New Doggie Horoscopes

Topic: Dog Horoscopes

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December comes but once a year. Be sure you join in this month of frivolity, parties and general insanity. This is all about a Holiday people call Christmas, Yule, and a whole bunch of other names. Keep in mind this is not National Food Day. It just seems that way. There is all that lovely edible stuff just waiting for you to gobble down.

People are so generous. Well most of them are. Just get to them before your person gives them "The Speech." You know,"Do not give Sweetums this or Brandy that because it will upset his/her stomach or is not good for him/her or blah, blah, blah." Be sure to use the big eyes and act as if you have not been fed in months, okay, considering the size of your belly, for at least an hour.

There are some things you need to note. This is specifically geared for your puppies out there - young dogs who have not experienced Holiday Madness before.

This is the Silly Season. Just go with it.

An indoor tree does not make an appropriate bathroom.

If your people string popcorn DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT eat it. Let me tell you this - the string can be very painful coming out.

The same goes for the pretty, silver tinsel and DO NOT lick the lights.

Keep in mind that what is on the tree stays on the trees.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Ah Sagittarius, you are an ambitious pup this month. So many parties with lots and lots and lots of treats just waiting to fall into your eager little mouth. And you want to eat (or at least try) to eat them all. You love the holidays. And, as a true optimist, you know the Holidays bring food and more food. Well, what's not to like. All your nearest and dearest are back. Lots of stroking, tummy rubbing and general all-round appreciation of your finer qualities.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Okay, Capricorn, try to calm down. I know you are all excited about the Holidays. I know you are once again going through a complex change. It happens at least once a year - to you. Every little cell in your wriggly body is gearing up to launch a new, improved version of you - again.

Well, maybe it is a good idea this time. Just do it before they discover they are going to have a little itty bitty problem with the new thingamajig they got last week especially for the Holidays.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

'Tis the season and you, dear, devoted, unpredictable, multi-tasking Aquarius are even more enthusiastic than usual. Your poor owners, especially new owners - will not know what hit them. They will not have a clue until whirlwind Aquarius arrives in full cry.

This month, you are seized with a fit of nostalgia. You want the old-fashioned Holidays - with all the trimmings. The days when chewies and squeaky toys fell from the sky - or at least off the tree and into your mouths.

Remember, Aquarius, that was then and this is now. Do you really want to turn back the clock? Don't you remember that rather unpleasant stay in the Vet's after gobbling down one squeaky surprise just so that "Other" dog, couldn't have it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You may be sweet Pisces, but right now, you are trying to avoid a situation. You like your own schedule and the Holidays seem to mess things up quite a bit. Too many people and all of them are tugging your people and you in so many different directions - literally and figuratively. Remember you have to avoid Auntie Big Hat's grubby, heavy-handed offspring. This kid may be the fattest of the litter, but he sure moves quickly.

Listen to those who love you and remember the Holidays do not last forever.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Oh no Aries, you have a bee in your bonnet - figuratively, Aries. Stop saying you do not wear one except when your person thinks it is oh so cute. Then you find it and chew it up and they get upset so next year you just wear the damn thing. But, I digress. I mean it figuratively. You are on the verge of another one of your righteous moments.

You are sure you are right this time, even without all the facts. The squeaky you found in the park is probably not the one you "misplaced" a month ago. Maybe it is, but I wouldn't carry it to the park when that large Rottie is there. She might say otherwise. The Holidays are way too short to spend most of the time at the Vet's.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Taurus, everyone knows you are stubborn. You are born under the sign of the Bull, after all. This can be an anxious month for you. Go easy on yourself. Not everybody is listening to what you want. Just do the best you can do to avoid situations and people that can stress you out. Just go into the other room when Uncle Smelly Breath and Aunt Largo with their "adorable"untrained, litter arrive for a visit. Some people's children have no manners at all.

If you have the time, revisit a few of your favorite haunts. Chew on a few good books. Make sure first, they are not all wrapped up and placed under that large green tree which, by the way, is NOT indoor plumbing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Meet every challenge this month with a positive attitude. You will be able to jump over the fence into the next yard and get at that obnoxious dog (or cat). You will finally find out where the good garbage goes and how to open the animal-proof lid.

You will be particularly insightful on the 12th of this month. You will know what they got you for the Holidays and even where they have hidden them - The Nose always knows.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You are truly a water sign Cancer. Remember this and go with the flow this Holiday season. Do not, however, overdo it. Make yourself a simple schedule and stick to it. For example: Get up, go outside, have breakfast then go back to sleep. Get up, snitch a candy cane, go for a walk, throw up the plastic wrapper, come home, have a snack and sleep once again. Just stick to the simple things of life and you will enjoy the Holidays.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

The holidays and you are in synch. You are nothing but a party animal this month. This lasts from December 1st to the 16th. You are very verbal in your celebrating life. Just do not get carried away by inviting a few friends into your back yard. When sharing your positive outlook, watch out. Try to restrain it a little. Persons do not always understand your need to express yourself so forthrightly. This applies to dogs who are nonspecific in their breed (okay Mutts) and Show animals. You show dogs have a lot to lose. Too much partying and your hair will get in a tizzy. Your hairdresser will know and then your owner and it will be hours spent inside when you could be out having fun.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Although naturally friendly and steadfast in your affections, you are not the most orderly or tidy dog. Why not surprise your person - and earn a few bonus treats, by putting your own house in order? If you are up to it, help rearrange your person's stuff as well. Just be careful. Make sure your own definition of "tidy" and "in-place" matches theirs.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You have lots to do this month, Virgo. May be, better still, your person has so much to do he or she cancels Doggy Academy (fondly known as The Last Place the Gods Made) where they teach Torture 101 - what is the point of fetching anyways. My personal philosophy is if she/he really wants it so badly, he or she can go and get it.

Stay close to home this Holiday Season. If not, you'll end up where you did last year - behind bars. Not a fun way to spend this time of food and giving.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Make a point of reconnecting with people you have not heard from in a while. It helps when they are sitting around the table eating or snacking in the living room. Nice doggies receive more "accidentally dropped" food. Be particularly kind to the kid who doesn't like to eat much and plays randomly and messily with his food. Sure, sometimes, this runt only drops broccoli, but there are times when you strike gold - chicken or candy.

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