DOGONIT - Thank you SO MUCH for opening up to this forum. THIS is what a great forum is all about. Yes, we love dogs - but sometimes other issues arise and we need to ask for help. I have some great advice I am going to compile for you. I'll post it here once I get it finished. I'll also throw in some info on ADD/ADHD for those who asked. By simply learning about the issues, my son has been off of medicines for 3 years, has been moved from special education to regular schooling and behaves so much better. Bear with me why I get this info together for ya'll.
I would like to add something to that. I know what it is like to have someone you know in the military. My x-boyfriend will be going overseas soon, to Iraq. I would never let my boyfriend know, but I am very worried for him. I understand your trouble. Anyway, are we talking about an eating disorder here? How old is she? My boyfriend's nephew likes to hide food and pretend he ate it. Everything pretty much sounds related. My boyfriend's nephew is going through the same thing. Don't be embarrased about discussing this, we are here to help you. You sure seem troubled. DoGoneIT, I'm here for you, and I'm sure everybody else is too. My boyfriend's nephew, Cash, wont go to bed until 1am. It may just relate to your daughter. Cash is around the same age, I think, and he has the same problems. Wow, I didn't realize how late it was! I better rap this up. DoGoneIT, see we are all here to help. Lalayla, I am so very happy for you and your daughter! I really don't have a lot of info to offer, but I can tell you that there are people on this board that can. I can tell you though, don't stress meals too much. And cut yourself some slack. I'm sure I did the same thing when I was that age.
First..I really want to say THANK YOU to everyone for reaching out to help me....I'm sure to some, I must sound like a mad woman and I can't stress to you all enough how much it means to me that you guys also let down your guard, shared with me-us about things going on in your lives as well. Ansy, Layla, Scout, Jawlaw, GinaH, JBG, Discovr, digger....regardless of the amount of support...or the words you spoke...hearing your feedback, advice, knowing that you read through my problem and responded to me..I am truly thankful for. Ansy...I greatly appreciate you compiling any information to help with the situation...anything would be helpful right now..I am trying to get back on track, and you are helping me to acheive that. Layla, JBG, Ansy..thank you for opening up about your dealings with ADD/ADHD..to me it is crucial to know other's going through it or that have gone through it...for me, it has been a huge deal..I've never known anyone with it..DD has all of the classic symptons and it scares me to death that she may need medication and have to rely on it for the rest of her life. GinaH...Scout..Layla..discovr...thank you for sharing the issues you have had with your children and eating...you all have given some great advice that I am going to take to heart and try to practice them a little more..It's important to let her be in control of some of it..and you all are right..I CAN'T force it..it'll only make it worse. Digger..thank you too for sharing your story..it is helpful to hear it from someone who is in my DD shoes...your insight on the situation will not be taken in vain. JawLaw..I am touched...truly..THANK YOU!!! Our family is very Christian..we pray twice daily..nightly and morning prayer..we worship and TRY to live by God's words..it is hard...We go to church Wednesday's and Sunday's....I will also talk to my pastor about it and ask for his prayers. Just this past Sunday, I was at the altar..asking God to reveal himself to me...and he came to me in a way I've never felt before..it's amazing...I won't preach! lol but I will say..through God...everything is possible and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and kind words. Before I type a novel..I did want to say that I had a talk with DD. She is now asleep (I hope)...I asked her to please not take my responsibility away from me as a Mother and to let me make some of the decisions in her life, but I did say that I will allow her to make some of them as well...she was estatic about it, because I have always babied her..as she is our only child (that's a whole `nother story). I told her that from now on...on Tuesday's she can pick out her own breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I get to do it the rest of the week. She LOVED that idea..I said that if that started to go well, then I would allow her to pick one more day out of the week (obviously with in reason) and she can have 2 full days to choose what she wants...BUT that she is responsible for making her own lunch on that day and fixing her own breakfast..I will make the dinner, as long as she is resonable with her requests. She started to open up to me a lot..she started admitting to me other things that she had done..like taking her food, putting it in her mouth and going to the bathroom and spitting it out..or putting it in her pocket..going to school and throwing it away. She said she felt better after our talk...I also appologized to her for spanking her and told her that it was a prime example of people making mistakes...I can rest my head tonight easily, thanks to the support I got from this forum! You all are a great bunch of people and I am truly blessed to have found TP!! 2AM..WAYYYYY past my bedtime...Goodnight all :o)
Holy cow that was long! lol..sorry about that!! I did want to mention one more thing before turning in for the night...GinaH..I think asked the question..I do live in military housing....I have not taken her to counseling, but it is something I have considered. I think I will make some phone calls this week..just to see what is out there for us. Thanks
None of that food sounds very tasty. If you have no time to cook mouth watering meals...maybe let the girl pick things that she can microwave in the morning. I like salad and grape leaves, and light vegie stuff in the morn...no icky sweet, eggy, breakfast crap. Even an apple would be better. I remember in High school, I loved the golden apples, I saved my lunch money to pay the Karate instructor, so I doubt I ate much else.
Ok, this is probably going to be LONG, but I'll try to offer you some possible reasons why your daughter is acting this way. My views are based on a combination of my learning and personal experiences and may or may not work for your situation. First off - let me say - YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT. In fact, you are the epitomy of every average, normal parent in the world. The fact that you seek advice (from who ever) should be enough to tell you just how much you care about your daughter. One thing I have learned is that you are NEVER alone. You might think so at times, but I assure you that thousands more are going through the same troubles you are. Some of your daughters problems could have stemmed from very early on. There are 3 different 'fixations' that toddlers experience. They are the Oral Fixation, the Anal Fixation and the Psychological Fixation. The first 2 are very important. The very first feeling of pleasure an infant recieves is that of feeding. They learn an oral gratification that pleases their need for food. They learn that eating = not feeling hungry anymore. If a toddler is taken off the bottle (or breast) too soon, is not allowed to suck on their fingers as infants, or if too much emphasis is placed upon eating solid foods (because the parent thinks the child is 'old enough' to be off a bottle) then the child could very easily go into an Oral Fixation. These fixations last their entire life. Once an Oral Fixation has developed - the child will remain fixated on things related to the mouth such as eating, talking, smoking, drinking. Anything related to the mouth becomes a pleasure for them because the mouth was their only source of pleasure during infancy. It does not mean that they will necessarily eat themselves into obesity. It can also develope into the opposite direction where the child refuses to eat (or talk, drink, etc). Think back to her toddler days. Was bottle feeding cut off at an early age? Did you have a hard time breaking her from the bottle? Did you overly stress sippy-cups and eating with a fork/spoon? Toddlers need to eat with their fingers first. They need to be allowed to be messy with food. It is a learning process for them and it is a very important part of their cognital development. If a child feels that you took away their only source of pleasure (feeding) too soon, they will strive to maintain control of that in the future - sometimes going overboard to the point that they actually lose control of it themselves (over eating, etc.). Never, EVER, make any child of any age 'clean their plate'. A child knows when they are hungry and they also know when they are full. Making them clean their plate can also lead to problems in the future such as over eating because they have been mentally brainwashed to 'clean their plate' even if they are full. Keep in mind that childrens stomachs are tiny and cannot hold much food at once. Their digestive tracts work faster than those of an adult, therefore they will require more, smaller meals per day than an adult. You said that you did stress over meals at your house. My guess is that your parents did the same thing with you. We are medically not in the same world as our parents were. Different rules apply now. (For those wondering about Anal Fixation - it has to do with potty training. The second pleasure infants experience is the relieving of their bladder/bowels. If forced to potty train too early, they can go into Anal Fixation which makes them 'anal' about everything. They become neat freaks and are focused on things that have to do with the anus. The toddler becomes fixated on the conflict between themselves and the parents about their refusla or inability to potty train. This conflict leads to control issues and later developes into someone with a controling personality. We have all heard of control freaks. This usually keeps the person from having healthy relationships in adulthood). Now that we know about the fixations, we'll move on to brain development. Brain development continues throughout our adult life. Certain areas of the brain will not mature until a child reaches a certain age, yet as parents, we expect them to know and understand our every command. When a child doesn't remember something, for example, we punish them for not completing a task. In other words, we are punishing them for something their brains have not developed to understand. This applies to toddlers and young children, but severe punishment during those ages can lead to other problems such as agression and anger later in life. It is a fact - children learn and mimic what they see. Now, being that your daughter is 11 y/o she is in what is called the 'middle childhood'. She is at the end of her middle childhood years, therefore her 'working memory (short term memory) and her long-term memory should be almost fully developed. She should be fully developed in 'selective attention' which is the ability to focus on what is important while ignoring distractions. I'm not sure she is doing that - and that could be a sign of ADD. I don't think ADHD applies here as I haven't heard you mention hyperactivity. If it is not ADD, it could be something as normal as Metacognition (thinking about 'thinking'). Children are big daydreamers and sometimes they just 'think'. Children between the age of 7 and 11 are some of the best learners. She may just be reflecting on things she has learned that has peaked her curiosity. On another note - children at this age recognize the importance of family. In a study of 8 to 12 year olds who were from single parent homes and were from various races they were asked what their definition of parents were. The answer was "people who never ever don't care about you". In other words, a parent is someone who always loves you - from a childs perspective. With your husband being gone, your daughters 'familys structure' (the family she has structured in her mind as being 'her' family) has changed. Every family member has 'roles' which they play in the family. There is a void in the role of her father. From a child's perspective, she may think that her father feels it is more important to be overseas than she is to him. We all know this isn't true - but we are not 11 years old (except for Allie...lol). As thankful as I am for our military, I simply cannot understand why a better rotation system has not been implemented for those with young children. The current view of our military is to maintain our freedom, but sadly, we are creating another problem which is that we have kids growing up in single parent homes. It is very important that you talk about your husband frequently (daily) with your daughter. Make sure she understand how important hsi job is. Go out and buy him a Christmas present so that she'll think to herself "Mommy knows he's coming home or she wouldn't have bought that gift". With all the media coverage and school cirriculum - it is only logical to think that she wonders if she'll ever see her father again. Can you imagine as an 11 year old child what it must be like to wonder every day if bad news will come? Of course she is going to stare off into space. She has alot on her mind. In fact, she is overwhelmed. Of the possibilities I have mentioned, I really think your husband being gone is the root of the problem. She is a scared little girl and you, as her mother, are torn on whether to be realistic with her about the dangers of her daddy's job and reassuring her that he'll be home safe because even you don't know that. I can only imagine what YOU also must be going through. Here is what I would do. I think allowing her to have a little control over her meals is GREAT! It is a compromise that works for both of you. Establish a daily routine and stick to it (homeowrk, bath time, bed time, chores, etc) THAT is where she will learn the responsibility you are trying to teach her. Also, make sure you include 'daddy' in your daily routine. Allow your daughter to make some decisions on her own.....even bad ones.....so she can see the consequences. Don't force her to eat - remember, she will not starve to death - she will let you know when she is hungery (and full). Allow her 'some' privacy. Do fun things together - make crafts, go shopping, have a pillow fight or just tickle the crap out of her. BOND. Don't try to be the authoritarian - be the parent. I'm not saying that you don't already do these things - because I don't know if you do or not - but if you don't, try them. If she is diagnosed with ADD - PLEASE consider alternative options before giving medication. My son was on 5 different medications and all worked in different ways. Did you know that the same drugs used to stimulate adults are what are given to children to calm them down? Research has no clue why these drugs 'calm' children yet produce activity in adults. Do you really want to give your child a drug with such an unknown background? These medicines also cause liver damage as well. FOr some children, there just is no other option and the meds work really well. For me, my son went from going 60/mph to a lifeless vegetable. Seeing him like that was harder than dealing with the ADHA. What did I do? I took him off the meds - actually WROTE down a daily schedule and STUCK TO IT no matter what. I understood that his ADHD was not something that was his fault or mine - and I couldn't blame him or punish him for having a sickness. For homework - we would work for 10 minutes and then take a break. Trying to force it on him caused us both to become angry. For chores (like taking out the trash) I would walk with him, I stood there with him when he washed dishes and made him wash them again ......and again....if they were not clean. We would wash dished for 10 minutes and then take a break. Pretty soon we had upgraded to 20 minute intervals. It was VERY time consuming and VERY dis-heartening at times. I saw MANY days when I wanted to give up, but I love my son enough that I didn't. It ise to be that instead of fighting with him to clean his room, I'd do it for him. Now I just stand there and watch him do it. I have to stay on him at times, but I make HIM do it. Reptition is easily learned for most kids. It is NOT easily learned with children with ADD / ADHD. That is why it is so important to stick to the rules and repeat every chore, every routine on a daily basis. Eventually they will get it. As far as doing it in intervals - you are actually HELPING to develop those areas of the brain that have not developed (or are having trouble to develope) which stimulates long term memory. It may be 2 months before you can increase to another time interval - but it is a process that works for me. I have now been at it for 2 years and I no longer have to stand in his room while he cleans it, he takes out the trash on his own, washed all the dishes at once, and does his homework all at once. He is no longer is Special Education and gets to be in a regular classroom at school. It is now that HE is seeing the benefits of what all we have been through and you know what - every single day he comes to me and says "mama, where's my hug?" It didn't use to be that way. When I would force him to do things - I know there were days he hated me......he even said it to me, but if him hating me for a few hours made him develop into a stronger adult - then I could handle hearing it. It is not going to be an easy road and you are just beginning your journey, but I assure you that persistance will pay off. Just please weigh out your options before putting her on meds (if she in fact does have ADD). I'll stop rambling again.......lol.........I hope you have gotten a little something from all this. Let me recommend a wonderful book: The Developing Person: Through the Life Span by Kathleen Stassen Berger This is the college textbook I used in my Psychology of Human Growth and Development class. It is the most valuable book I have ever read. It describes how we develop from conception to death. The book costs about $90 but you can find it on eBay for less than that, or you can get it from most any college bookstore or worthpublishers.com. The ISBN # is 0-7167-5706-0 This book is a must read for EVERY parent. When you learn how a childs brain develops, you learn to understand your own child so much better. By the way - DoGoneIT, don't forget about yourself during all this. Mom's need rest too! You HAVE to take care of yourself BEFORE you can take care of your child. EDIT - Sorry about all the typos......I was too tired to go back and correct them...lol
*She eats really well when it is something that SHE WANTS to eat (like fruit, pizza, Mc D's, Burger King...etc.) She likes some veggies..which I make it a point to give those to her as opposed to let's say broccoli, which she hates. She doesn't like meat..unless it is pepperoni or a burger. She picks at her food until it is cold. * that is my son exactly. if he likes it, pizza w/pepperoni, fast food, etc. he will eat it all and then some. to get him to stop hiding his food i just told him that i won't be mad if he doesn't wnat to eat it. but he can't hide it because it attracts bugs, etc. at nine years old he is finally getting that point. i usually try to serve things that we all will eat. we eat alot of chicken and pasta. on the days i make something i know he won't like i make sure he has plenty of stuff he does like , such as applesauce, or fruit, or potatoes so i know he is eating something. he also takes hours to eat. mostly i think he just spaces out and his attention gets onto something else and he forgets what he is doing. but of course he has adhd also, so i have to tell him a hundred times to keep eating or just ask him if he is done eating. if he is done, then he's done, if not it prompts him to start eating again. at dinnertime i don't mind so much but at breakfast time we are on a time limit. so i will also tell him, here's your breakfast.....you need to be done eating by the time i am out of the shower and dressed. he is better when he's given a time limit . i forgot what everyone else said about the adhd. but with my own son he is on meds. it took many years for me to put him on it. if it weren't for his schoolwork suffering to such a degree i wouldn't have done it either. the meds tend to decrease his appetite or make him nauseous if he takes them on an empty stomach so i make sure he eats something, even if its just a yogurt, before he takes the meds. so i know he ate and he won't throw up. when i forget to give him his meds, which happens occasionally :( , he notices a big difference in himself at school and he doesn't like it. so for now, he will remain on the meds. 2 good books to read on adhd are " driven to distraction" i haven't read that in awhile so i am not sure if it is mostly adult based or delves in to the kids part and also " the add answer" which talks alot about children and the possibilities of feeding your kids certain foods to minimize the effects of add/adhd. i have errands to run this morning so i will try and answer any more questions for you when i get back around lunchtime. keep your chin up :)
I really don't have anything to add to the wonderful advice that you've already got, but I do want to tell you this. I never ate breakfast as a kid and I very rarely do now. I just don't like to eat that early. It seems that there are underlying issues and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you even though I have little if anything to offer. Hang in there, sounds like you have a lot of people here that have some experience there. Let us know how you are.
doggonit and scout- i sympathize (sp?) wth your problems with children eating. no doubt you are right scout, they are the most frustrating creature ever created. my favorite quote is "this is why some species eat their young". we have a similar problem, with a 10 y/o not eating. my bf dtr, she lives with us full time. she'll go thru periods where we can't keep enough food in the house, and times where i swear she hasnt eaten in days. but, like scout's son she is a good weight and in good shape, so we ignore it. she usually refuses to eat out of protest of some sort, and a rise out of us is what she is looking for. so we ignore it, but there is no snacks if no dinner is eaten. and she eats breakfast a few times a week, when she feels like it. but we tell her, you're 10 if you are hungry in school i guess you'll learn next time. tough love? just being realistic. if at 10 you can't figure out when to eat then we can't help you! if she doesnt like whats for dinner then she knows she is on her own. i hate cooking so i'm sure not gonna cook 2 separate meals! when we were growing up we'd set the table adn my mom would set out dinner, adn bread and pb&j as our 'alternate' to what she made. and i turned out fine! we keep stocked with chicken nuggets, chef boyardee (gross) and the like that she can make herself. there are nights where she'll eat (like last night) 3 cans of creamed corn for dinner and half a loaf of bread and butter and that's it. but kids are a pain. she decided a few months ago, she didnt like chicken. at all. that lasted 4 or 5 weeks. why? who knows- to be difficult probably. but we ignored it and kept making chicken and eventually she got tired of ramen noodles and started eating chicken again. so, while i dont doubt that there is a component of an eating disorder present, remember what a pain we all were, and it may be her way of acting our b/c her dad is away. eting disorder or not, she (both of you) could probably benefit from talking to someone just because dad's away. good luck and keep us posted.
wow- what a lot of good information. I have an only child as well, but it is a boy (12 years old). I just really feel for you because he would be a mess if his dad was not around. He worries about things all the time. It's just not fair! However, y'all will get through it. Talking to your pastor is probably a great idea. Hang in there!!
Dogonit: Being a parent is one of the most hardest jobs on this planet, and then when your doing it yourself is even harder. Although my kids have a dad that lives with them I am basically the one making sure that all their needs are being met. When my oldest was younger the kid lived on nothing else but juice. Getting him to eat was a daily issue and I eventually had to let it go. If he is not falling over and fainting from hunger then he will live. Now, the kid loves to eat and at times when it is his favorite he will eat more then me and my husband put together. We sometimes watch him in awe at the amount that he can consume because he is such a skinny little runt at 10. Breakfast was always an issue in this house. I would at times make him miss the school bus because I was trying to force feed him. Kids in the morning are not always ready to eat on demand. Will your daughter at least have a glass of milk? I sometimes will buy homo milk for them especially in the winter (strange I know I am) but I always think that in the winter they need that extra layer of fat in them. Even if they eat 2 cookies I am happy. How about milkshakes in the morning. Yes it is icecream with milk but you know what they need that sugar in the morning so that their brains get a jump start. I would love it if they ate a bran muffin but not all kids like being on a health kick. Cearel (sp) is also good because you can see how much she is eating and not able to hide it and there is milk in the bowl. Also, for first snack in the morning for school put a bottle of chocolate milk with a muffin or cookies so there is an extra kick. My son (oldest) has trouble at school where he basically does not overly care for it. He is on an I.E.P. and organization is not something he is the best at. His short term memory also sucks to be honest and getting on task and staying there is also something he struggles with. They have suggested add but really I do not think so because he can concentrate just fine on the things he likes to do, and does not jump from one thing to another. Also, the side effects of the drugs scare me. Loss of appetite is one and the fact that he is just now eating like a normal child....well I would rather him eat because I am after all italian. lol. If I saw some obvious signs at home as well as in school and it would be the best thing for him then yes if i had to I would. But he has also had two assessments done in the last 4 years and none of the professionals pin pointed that as the problem. Schools like to lable children a little to quick and the drugs make their life so much easier. (teachers) I turn it all around and tell them to find other ways to teach him. I must also add that not once ever in the last 7 years at school has my child gotten into trouble. Does not speak out, or talk back, start fights or anything self destructive if he is told to sit he will sit and cause no trouble at all. (at home well.....lol) My youngest who is 7 and does well in school goes to see the principal almost on a weekly basis, so there you go. He does not have add either because do not get me wrong but just because a child is add does not mean that he is stupid. They are very smart kids and their brains work faster then their bodies can keep up. It is almost like studdering. I hope that you find yourself a better doctor. A pediatrician would probably be your best bet. A family doctor does not always make the cut when it comes to kids. They are simply not specialised in that area and they actually perfer not to see kids in their office. They can handle an adult but that is just about all they can do. My family doctor is great but she brushes off children with a wave of her hand and my kids go to see a specialist even for a physical. A ped. will listen to the parents as they know we are their #1 advocate in their lives and no one knows them better then we do. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need to talk I have no problem sharing my e-mail address with you, but as you can see no one minds off topic issues on this forum and I think that you found a lot of people here that have similar situations and offer great advise.
My daughter is only 4 she will be 5 in April and she does alot of hiding her food and giving it to the dog. She is extremely under weight she only weighs 22 pounds and the doctors send mr to diatricians(sp?) and all these people who say let her eat what she wants when she wants and I always tell them thats never and nothing! I thought I was the only one who had to deal with this. She does eat some things real well like cheese pizza, spagettios, and pickles but thats about it. I had one specialist tell me it could have to do with her lead levels ( she has lead poisining) I get so upset when she dont eat and I always thought I was the only one going thru this because everyone I ask says they dont have that problem and anyone who did says never at that young of an age. I too am so stressed out because everwhere we go and at every doctors app. everyone says gee she is so tiny or so skinny or she is skin and bones. O yeah she loves corn too. I am to the point where I really let her pick what she eats at all times. I am having good luck this week with peanut butter toast and grilled cheese. Wow that felt good to say all that thanks DogOneIt. **NOTE I always think that other people think I am a bad mom or something who dont feed my child. I am a young mother, I am only 22 and I had her at 17 and I always think everyone feels I dont know what I am doing BUT I DO!!!!
Ansy! That information was GREAT. I had no clue about the oral fixation..and I kinda figured that if I MADE her eating an issue..that it will cause problems later on in life...I guess that is why I am the way I am..My Mother did it to me..and I'm sure her Mother and her Mother before her. I guess it is a type of addiction that runs in the family and I need to break this cycle before she ends up doing the same things (I hope she is not already damaged from it). Thank you so much for taking the time out to type that..and think about all of that. It is crazy to think that other children go through the EXACT same thing as my DD. Being that my DH is away and has been for a long time, we do things together daily..whether it's talking and she tells me about boys at school, God, what we'll do the coming up weekend..etc. We go shopping together all the time..she's my little shopping buddy! She's my everything buddy...we go to dinner, movies, bowling..Girl Scouts..but I wonder if she is overdosed with activities...We have a busy schedule all week. Mon-Girl Scouts..Tues-nothing, Wed-Church, Thurs-nothing, Fri-we always go to dinner and maybe the mall or a movie, Sat-she's on a bowling league, Sun-we go to church twice, morning and night. Do you think her life is overbooked? Her Dr. said it was good to keep her involved..but on Tues and Thurs is the only real time she has for herself..to go outside and play with her friends..and that's only if she finishes her homework on time. I never thought about doing the homework in intervals...She takes FOREVER for homework and then gets a lot of it wrong..It totally frustrates me..and like what Ansy said...(before) you had probs. with your DS and homework...both of you would get angry and frustrated...You gave some great tips, and advice Ansy...I am going to try that also..all these new things that I am going to TRY to implement in our lives, is going to be difficult (I am going to have to print this entire thread out) it just goes to show, how people can be so compassionate to other's. None of you had to help me with the situation...one of the things I thought about before even my first post on this..was that everyone would read it and no one would respond. I desperatley needed the help and talk last night...I thought I was going to lose it! After that talk with her last night...it made both of us relax..like I said, she started to open up to me and come clean. I asked her if I need to look under any other seats...her closet...our car and she laughed about it...she said "No Ma'am, it was only under that one seat" We got up late this morning (I guess I didn't hear my alarm) but with only 3 1/2 hours of sleep myself..I am so drained, so please ignore any typos. This morning..I allowed her to pick out her own breakfast...do you know what my child picked out!??!?!?!?!? A chocolate poptart!!! I had to laugh...of all things that I found under that chair..poptarts were the majority of it! She at it all gone too...Then she packed her lunch...and she packed the EXACT same thing I packed for her yesterday...EXACTLY! I don't get it? Maybe it is because she made the choice and not me...I don't know...boy oh boy are children a complicated and confusing being. I do want to say thank you once again to EVERYONE who posted on this thread...I know it might sound silly...but I wish I could repay you for calming me down last night and giving your advice and sharing your stories...Some of your posts even made me cry because it was so similar and it was almost like a relief...as messed up as that may sound, because I don't want anyone to go through this..but apparently a lot of people do. I am almost positive she has ADHD..she can't sit still..she can't remember things, she day dreams constantly, she gets sidetracked, has a hard time concentrating, gets frustrated very easily..and a number of other things. Ansy..I have already looked into alterior (sp) treatments...if she is diagnosed with it..I am going to try this support group that is local to us first..the Dr. said she may need to be on the medication to give her something to compare 'normalcy' to. I don't want her to depend on it...I have to depend on medication my entire life for medical condition I have...if I don't treat it, it can and WILL turn into type II diabetes. But I would want her to have an active life without the medication. She does OK in school...but she is also almost 2 years behind (She's 11 in the 4th grade), she's in mainstream classes, but struggles in reading and writing. It has been an on going struggle since she began. Math is almost alway's an A and her other subjects are either B's or A's....one of my friends (who doesn't have children or know anyone with ADHD) said that there is no way that DD has ADHD because she does well in other subjects at school...she said kids with ADHD will do poorly in all aspects of life...I have done some research online and found out some good info on ADHD...I will look into those books that Ansy and Scout reccommended...Thank you all again...sorry for such a long post!!! I still can't believe it..a DoGone Chocolate poptart!!! Hmmph!
i just wanted to quickly add that i have not read the add answer. there was a show on dr. phil about add/adhd and how it often is misdiagnosed and there was a specialist on who wrote that book and dr. phil highly recommended it. when i get some money i am going to buy it and read. also, add/adhd has a strong genetic link. my son and my husband both have it. they are classic textbook cases. it is true some schoold do just label kids and think there is a magic pill that will make them all behave. do your research. typically they won't even confirm a diagnosis of adhd until the child is 6-7 years old. and also, it is more common in boys then it is in girls. the things i have read i could have written myself based on my son and husband , so i know they have not been misdiagnosed. but you really need to research before you treat to make sure that uis what it is because a few problems have very similiar symptoms. good luck. talk when i get back, if you want me too.
I think these are some of the longest posts I've ever seen on a forum..let alone TP!! lol Thank you Aisha for sharing that...like I said...it really helps to hear what other parents go through..how they handle it and what comes of it. I have a lot of learning to do myself..as well as my DD and with everyone's guidance here..it is going to make my job that much easier. luvmypits..I was a young Mom also...I had DD at 17 as well..I am only 28 years old..but we have learned as a family...she will learn as a kid and I still learn as a Mom..I don't think that will ever stop. I think my problem with the food thing..is that I FORCE her to do it...I get upset when she doesn't want to eat. Just because it's 6pm doesn't mean she'll be hungry...but I worry about her becoming a spoiled brat that will get her way all the time. Where do you draw the line???? I know if she's hungry, she'll eat, but if I also know that her last meal was at lunch...then dinner time she should be hungry again...just because it isn't something that she wants...should I let her throw a fit (by picking at her food, not eating), all because she doesn't feel like chicken that night? I have always been the type of person..whether it was DH or DD..that whatever I cook is what's for dinner..no one ever gets EVERYTHING they want out of life...I just feel like I would be going backwards if I let her tell me that that's not what she wants...breakfast is different..she's running around getting ready, while I'm getting ready, while the dogs are whinning at the back door to come in..the phone is ringing..etc..etc.. I don't mind if she picks out her own breakfast (she loves milk..she even poured her self a cup with her chocolate poptart..hmmph). But....and there's always a but.....what about those life lessons???? **Edit..and thank you Aisha for reaching out to me...I appreciate the support
hi doggonit, i just read throught most of the posts, and i wanted to say i think you hit one nail on the head, about forcing her. forcing things on her and her not being able to eat it and her not wanting to disappoint you will lead to the hording. when i was a kid i used food to control things, too. i really didn't eat much at all. i was skinny as a rail, but healthy enough. it was a reaction in part to things being oppressive. you sound like a very caring parent, and it is rough with your husband away. it's really hard to see them not eat well because we know how important it is. i think letting her choose more is a great idea. at this age, that helps. i have a daughter who doesn't eat much for breakfast, either. however i tell her i really want her to have at least a glass of milk. for meals i make sure there is at least one thing she likes, make fairly healthy meals (and macaroni and cheese is healthy) and leave it at that. less pressure for your DD about food may help. i don't know about ADHD, but there may be some answers there, too. one teacher talked to me about my DD maybe having ADHD, but it was around the time her dad was getting remarried, and symptoms have since disappeared. also, some other things for breakfast can help. there are lots of those health bars that really taste good, or those "frusion" or "nouriche" things that i get. or even a milkshake for breakfast. i mean, ice cream has protein and calcium, and so does milk, maybe even add a little protein powder to it. if she likes pizza, pizza for breakfast, leftover. good luck, keep us posted.
DoGoneIt, first I would like to revise what Aisha said about being a parent. It IS the hardest job anywhere. There are never paid vacations, days off or retirement. I also agree with what Aisha said about the schools and medications. I have always felt strongly about that, but I have to be open minded enough to see someone like Scout's point of view, because I have never had to deal with what she has. I have two grown sons, and one of them was the most finicky eater on the face of the earth. I think in addition to the great advice you have already gotten, all I can add from my own experience as a mother is to say talk to your daughter. Do not rule out that she is just being a child. Consider everything she does, not just food when trying to find a solution. Eleven year olds can out wit a parent on a parent's best day. I think the absence of your daughter's father may have a very definite influence on her behavior, and you may very well be trying to over compensate for that. Which I understand and think is very normal. I think you will find the answers are you are searching for, and can now see that you are certainly not the only mother who has dealt with this kind of behavior. The next time you talk to or communicate with your husband, tell him I said, "Thank You" for his part in defending our country, and the same goes for you, and the sacrifices you have to make on a daily basis. It is not easy. My husband was in the Air Force. He did not do what your husband is doing, but he was gone for months at a time. God Bless America!
WOW..............What wonderful advise and info you have recieved here. I didnt have time to read all the replies, so if I am repeating anyone I appologize. My kids are very picky eaters and hate to eat first thing in the morning. My son will make himself sick when it comes to eating something he doesn't like. They also hide food they didnt like and hoard food they do like. What I have done with them is made mealtime a little more enjoyable for them by letting them help plan meals, and snacks and they also help with the grocery shopping. Your daughter is obviously dealing with alot here and she may be reaching for attention from you or anyone who will give it. Sit her down and let her know she is not in this alone and that you are her friend as well as her mother. Do your best not to get mad and blame her as it is not her fault (not that you are blaming her) Maybe getting her to open up about her eating patterns will give you both a better understanding of why she is doing it and how you can deal with it "TOGETHER" 11 is a very tough age for kids, especially girls, and they really need a friend more than a mother at this age. If she is at least eating something and keeping a decent weight I would not force food on her or even fight the issue. She will eat when she is hungry, even if it isnt a meal we approve of. I send my kids to school everyday without breakfast, it is their choice, since they do not like to eat until a little later in the day. Some days they dig into their lunchboxes a little early for a snack because of no breakfast, and so I have added a special snack in their lunch just for this reason. Good Luck and keep us updated.
I must say..I am super surprised at the amount of people that have/are going through this and I thank you all 10 times over for sharing with me your experiences, trials and tribulations...I thought this was just what God dealt me...that, this was just MY DD, but now I know that thankfully I was wrong about that. DD IS NORMAL...I just don't hear about it from anyone else...until now. I am going to try to allow her to make more of her own decisions for breakfast..A glass of milk...a yogurt...they all sound like great ideas and she's still getting the nutrients she needs to feed her brain as well as her body. I will keep you all updated..like I said, her Dr. appt. is on the 16th..I will let you know what he says...he is a pediatrician. We are seen at the military hospital...it is what our insurance covers and it is where all military families go...I'm sure my DD is not the only military brat that is being evaluated for ADHD...I just hope he can give me some reasoning for all of this behavior. I still have my question though...what about not letting her get away with.."me, me, me" this is what I want..I don't want this...I'd rather have that. When do I draw the line? I mean, I know each child is different, but what do ya'll think? Thanks again!!