I think all kids are all about themselves especially girls at 11. Your daughter is not different in that aspect either. At 11 she is going through some serious changes and it is only going to get worse before it gets better. TRUST ME!! My kids have finally realized that all I have to provide, as a parent, is a roof over their head and if they continually think of no one but themselves, they will have nothing more than a roof over their head. Parenting is so very hard, but it helps to know we are not alone in it. We have all been through the same difficulties without any fatalities.
I have to admit that when I was 14 and 15 I had a eating problem. I was a varsity cheerleader and thought that I had to be super skinny. I am 5' 9" and then I weighed 105. When I look at those pics now I think of how gross I looked. You could count every rib I had and my breast bones were showing. I even ran 10 miles a day. One day my mom finally sat me down and explained to me how bad I actually looked and I went to the doctor and learned that my normal body weight should be 150. I really don't know how I gained the weight but I learned that weighing 150 for me was still fitting in a size 7. But I have had alot of problems growing up. I was addicted to speed and coke for 3 years and I have now been clean since Sep. 1 of 2000. I hope I never have to face these issues with my daughter but I am prepared for everything. I also feel awful for all the things I put my mother through. She was probably a wreak because how awful I was. I'll shut up now. And luvmypits... My daughter is just the opposite of yours. kaitlyn just turned 3 and she weighs about 36 pounds. But she is very tall. She has always looiked bigger than her age. When she was born she weighed almost 10 pounds. Okay, I swear I'll shut up now.
DoGoneIt, the saying that you have to love your child enough to let them hate you at times is not just idle words. That kind of behavior should not be acceptable, and if ignore will just get worse with time.
gbat...things to look foward to...sigh :o) Paigebeverly..thank you for sharing that...congratulations on your sobriety..that is something you should be very proud about! CricketMom..yup...right again..I totally agree that if I allow it..it will get worse...that is what I am trying to battle in my own mind right now...figuring out when I draw the line.
I was allowed to pick my own food at that age. Because both my parents worked I was cooking family meals, too. My mom was an awful cook. TV tray dinners were a big alternative to both her efforts and the taste of the stuff we got. I am making cassarole w/ leftovers tonight and don't remember how she did it, so I guess I should not have been so independant... I don't remember people giving kids drugs when I was young. My mom suggested aspirin for everything, I learned not to complain about anything because I did not want to take aspirin. I still don't take aspirin, or drugs, for that matter. I wonder how many parents take drugs that are so inclined to give them to kids. Kids in the drug generation will just keep taking them? The drug industry has folks programmed pretty good, I think.
"I still have my question though...what about not letting her get away with.."me, me, me" this is what I want..I don't want this...I'd rather have that. When do I draw the line? I mean, I know each child is different, but what do ya'll think? Thanks again!" if you mean this about food, what i did/do (i had an extremely picky eater since the age of 4, now she's much better at age 12) is that i knew what she liked for food, made sure i found out, and had things on hand. like i said for meals i'd have one thing i knew she liked, didn't really have things she hated- or if i did i didn't force her to eat them. my attitude was "look, this is what i cooked for a meal. you can eat what you like, or don't eat. it's your choice. you can have a snack later, a reasonable one, not a whole meal. you can't complain at the table at all." it's like i have a meal, that's up to me (considering what she liked, too), it's up to you what you put in your mouth for it. it took the pressure off and the fighting away and gave her control. and i'd have foods she liked to choose for snacks. then i could observe her eating habits, and go from there. and when i was a kid i loved leftover cold pizza for breakfast. now that she's older she will willingly eat some of the things she wouldn't touch earlier.
Pearl...I am the same way..whatever I make, is what you eat..obviously I do it with in reason..I'm not going to cook chopped liver for her. I love broccoli...she hates it..so when I make it..I always make something different for her that she enjoys eating. We go to the grocery store together...she picks out food...this is the same food that I found under her chair...odd..because this morning..once again the same food under her chair is the one food she picked to eat this morning! I am not an evil Mommy that is making terrible meals for her..I ALWAYS take her into consideration. I had mentioned before..I grew up in Japan..there are certain foods that I am accustomed to eating and LOVE..while she wouldn't even touch some of them..like sushi..mackeral in miso sauce..tofu..shaved fish flakes...lol (probably sounds gross to some) it is gross to my DD, therefore I don't give it to her...as an alternative..she'll have a hotdog and mac and cheese...but I think this morning proved to me that it is not the type of food that she doesn't like...it is a control issue for her...she picked out the same exact stuff and had no problems...because she made the choice..not Mom. There are things that she does that I would have NEVER done to cross my Mom..but I guess this day in age..things have changed drastically!
My husband is one of the most pickiest eaters around. He hates anything with onions and he will not eat any vegatables. He will actually eat corn but it has to be on a cob. Strange I know but I have to deal with it. You really can't change the way a 27 year olds eats. But I am afraid that kaitlyn will be just like him. Me, I will eat anything. kaitlyn ate green beans the other night but then brad said how nasty they were and she completly ignored them. It made me so mad. I told Brad that he needed to just keep his mouth shut about the food he doesn't like. I also remember when I was little my mom made big home cooked meals and if I didn't like anything or something she made she would sit there and make sure I ate at least half of it before I could get up from the table. I thought it was so cruel of her but now I treat Kaitlyn the same way. What I cook you eat. I won't make three different meals to make everyone happy.
Yeah, my DH is a picky eater also..no fruits and the only veggie is corn (not on the cob)...I almost don't even constitute corn as a veggie! I never had liver...I just didn't like the way it smelled when Mom cooked it. She would make us eat and if we didn't finish, we had it for dinner the next night...and the next night..and so on..we didn't get any snacks or dessert until it was finished.
Hiding the food is not the issue. It's a symptom of something else. Deep seated problems frequently show themselves as fetishes. You could make her eat at the table, not allow any food anywhere else in the house and that may solve the immediate problem but if the real problem is not fixed, it will manifest itself in another way. One good talking to won't fix things. Perhaps you should consideer some kind of counseling for her. When Katie, my daughter was ll, she kept saying she was going to kill herself. The psychiatrist said she was not really suicidal, but was ruminating, a frequent problem w/ADD kids. Stuck on one idea and can't get off of it. It also brought her a great deal of attention. Not to compare your child and mine, just to point out that what we think we see is only a symptom of something else. I don't know if counseling helped, she went for 3 years, but who knows how she would have been without it. At least it kept the channels of communication open, and prevented her from doing anything stupid until she matured. Trouble with ADD kids is that they are very intelligent and at the same time, very immature and having those two extremes in your personality causes a lot of confusion for the child.
I feel the same way about corn. It is good mixed in Spanish rice, I found lately. Did we have the same mom? Maybe they erased our memories, like in those movies? I had dejafood if I did not eat it too...
WOW!!! I had alot of reading to catch up on since 1am this morning. Boy was I tired when my daughters woke me up at 6:30 and then7 before they left for school. I wanted to add something that my husband and I just talked about the other day. When I was growing up my/our mom made dinner ....she cooked..put it on the table and that was dinner. If I didn't like it, I only at a little or filled up on salad. My middle daughter is picky and my 3(almost 4) yr old daughter is ultra picky. If I know we are making food that they don't like I offer easy alternatives. There is nothing wrong with saying this is dinner... eat some and you can have a snack later. Sometimes I feel like we make two dinners but mostly for my youngest. Chicken nuggets are a staple in our home and she eat that almost everyday sometimes twice a day. She had luekemia tho... and so her start was harder. We fed her whatever she would eat... anytime she would eat it... chips, chicken nuggets,fries....whatever. So she's a little different. ahh off track.... My point is... it's not wrong to offer dinner and tell her that's it on the nights that you are chosing dinner. If she doesn't eat that's her choice. As long as there is something that she usually likes available then you've done your job. I know my kids will always eat salad and broccoli(as long as I have spray on butter).. :o) So that's not wrong to set limits. As long as food is made available it's up to her to eat or not eat. Just try hard to let her be hungry if that is her choice. You said she was really happy when you offered to let her have some control so maybe things will pick up sooner than you think. And.. the counseling thing is a good idea... I hope you find a good one in your area. Good luck to you to... we all wish you the best!!!
One thing that I always read in every parenting book is that children are always testing their limits and yours. They actually look for you to give them rules and limits which is a way of them testing you. My son likes to play the blame game. (my oldest) Anything that goes wrong in is little life is always someone's elses fault and never his. I actually have to sit him down and tell him "NO" it is not your teachers fault you forgot your homework, or my fault you lost your toy etc...... And until he admits that he is actually at fault I will not let up. I know some adults who are like that and are actually violent because people refuse to take the blame for them. One is my cousin and she actually ran one of boyfriends over with the car. lol. But for the littlest things she will go off on a rampage. This is where we come in. Sometimes it is easier to just let them get their own way. One thing with homework that you can try is: 1. break it into smaller chunks. After you do math you can have a 10 min break and then we do spelling. 2. Sit down and watch her do it. You do not have to hold her hand but just catch mistakes before they happen. Never should a child return to school with homework done wrong. This frustrates a child. If she is having a lot of problems in an area write the teacher a note explaining it. 3. I am sorry i forgot where you live. Here in Canada and I think in the states too, there is what we call an IEP which means individual educational plan. If your daughter is 2 years behind in some area's imagine what she is going through at school. When they have this program in place they stay with their friends in their class but it is the law that they receive additional help, shorter homework assignments, smaller tests with open book tests, word banks, etc....... This by no means that your daughter is stupid. My 10 year old is on this program because he needs help with spelling/reading. Your daughter may be getting a's in math now, but eventually she will fail that too because word problems will be harder for her to decode. There is no point in trying to make a child sit in class with everything going over their heads. This forces the teachers to spend extra time helping and explaining things to them so they understand it. The last thing teachers want is to give extra help to kids if they don't have to. I know it is a hard step to take but this is what you should do. 1) talk to teacher/principal/ special ed teachers 2) get a complete physical done to make sure it is not medical. 3) if you have insurance get a psycology test done (waiting list at school is longggggg) Let me know if you need any help anywhere.
I went through alot of things that everyone is describing. My mom used to make me sit at the table and eat everything on my plate. The worst was when she made me eat wheaties or corn flakes. They would get mushy from sitting so long and she still made me eat it. I used to sit at the table for hours. If we didnt finish our food from that night it was on the table in front of us for breakfast lunch and dinner until it was gone. For me personally that is what caused food issues later in life. Its great that you talked to your daughter. I think the choosing her meals for a day is great. It will help restore a feeling of control for her. At that age things are really tough for kids. They are growing up and want to control things. For me that was becoming a vegitarian. Something you might want to ask her about is school. Kids that age can be very nasty. Comments about her weight can be very damaging to her self esteem. I hope everything works out withyou and your daughter. Take things slow. Forcing her to do anything she doesnt want to is going to get you nowhere. She will probally do the exact opposite. *Edited to say* Another suggestion. Try having fruit or healthy snack food out. That way she has the choice of something to eat when she wants it. The other thing is you might want to start her on vitamins if shes not eating regurally.
i dono if this will help, but some girl go throw the stage that they think they are FAT, she could think this i did, i still ate but not much, someone could have probably been meen to her or something.
Oh Digger, you poor thing. That must be so hard to deal with. I have threatened my kids with that but never went through with it. As left overs for the next day okay but can you imagine eating brocoli left over for breakfast YUCK!!!! Unfortunately us parents always think we are doing the right thing for a certain situation but we end up making our kids disfuctional adults. Like I said it is so hard being a parent.
Yeah, actually after reading all of your comments and advice since last night..I have thought a lot and I still have a lot of thinking and dealing to do..I know one talk will not make it go away..I know I have to be consistent..and I am. She eats at the dinner table..(that is where I found all the food under her chair) sometimes I will let her eat in her room (normally no problems with that) She was being very sneaky when she put that food under there and even told me that she didn't think I'd ever find it. I am going to try to do the homework thing..I am going to break it into sections for her. I don't let her wach a lot of TV...this episode has now caused her to have her TV taken out of her room..she is grounded for a period of time (I haven't decided how long yet)..she is a "bratz doll" and loves fashion, so now she is not allowed to wear her cutsie clothes (sweat pants and sweat shirts for the rest of the week, no jewelery) I don't think I am being too strict..I am trying to teach her the importance of being truthful. That is what it comes down to for me...her dishonesty. She has come clean though..and I know I will deal with many more lies in the weeks, months, years to come. When we had her initial eval. for ADHD the Dr. gave me some papers about something like what you said Aisha...he told me it was the law..that they had to do it..individual tutoring type thing...that is something I am looking into doing now. I am going to request a meeting with her principle and teacher. It's like she is Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde...one minute she's as sweet as pie and the next..stand back, because it's going to get ugly. She has even told me before "Mom..I know what I am supposed to do right and I listen to you, but my mind says one thing and my brain does another" at that moment is when I made her first appt with her pediatrician. Anyway..I know these posts are long...lol I'm sorry for that, but I appreciate all the feedback. You guys are great.
well it's great she came clean, and talks to you, keeping lines of communication is great! you sound like a great parent who is doing all she can. i got frustrated too when i'd get things my dd said she liked, then she's say "but i don't like that anymore"...........grrrrrrrrr