for me, i pick my battles. there are some things that are just not worth fighting over. kids have very little control over the things out there in this world and i think they can sometimes get so overwhelmed by this that they will act out over things they can have control over. i would have my son pick out what he wanted for lunch. and he still wouldn't eat it so i found he will eat the school lunches so we compromised and he buys lunch everyday. he has to bring a snack to school and i have control over that. he brings a fruit because i want something in him that is good for him. its not a problem for him since he loves fruit but we make compromises. i also fight with him over homework. so after i hear him say he won't do homework i tell him fine. don't do it and just explain to the teacher tomorrow how you felt about it and thats why you didn't do it. that gets him to do it right away. i think it is important to teach consequences to my kid. if he doesn't want to eat he goes hungry. if he doesn't like that hungry feeling, then he will eat better at the next meal. if its cold out and he doesn't want to wear a jacket, well then he is cold. next time he will put the jacket on by himself. i would never let him make a descision that would wind him up getting hurt, but the little things he can find out on his own. i think if they have some control over the little things then when you really need to have control over something they may not put up such a fuss.
Thank you Pearl...it is frustrating, but I keep telling myself that when I had her, that these were the things that I was willing to deal with..not just the cute cuddely baby..but a preteen finding herself and a teen who thinks she's found herself. I still run to Mommy and I'm grown...I know she will too when she comes of age...and to think..I want at least 2 more of these things we call kids!
oh, and i wanted to say mine now loves tofu!!! the other night we had tofu tacos. there is hope..... there are also probably the age things coming in to play- preteen, hormones, wanting more control over her life- all growing up. i'm not saying there isn't the ADD, eating disorder things, just that i can't comment about that cuz i don't know much.
I feel sad about that comment you said that she knows what she is suppose to be doing but can't. :( Do you see how complex the human mind is. Way back when even our generation they would of called us the children with too much will. We would get into trouble. Understanding your child is the hardest thing to do but one of the most important things we HAVE to do. If she was a diabetic would you deny the medication she needed. No we would not. I am not being mean and the steps your taking are 100% right. Find the root of the problem and deal with it. Unfortunately not all of our kids are going to be brain surgens. Some may not graduate and some will only do just that without going any further. The best thing to do is accept it and support them. Your daughter is also a pre-teen, hormones are arising. lol. You should take that into consideration also. It happens years before it actually happens. I wish you luck, please e mail me anytime. firstname.lastname@example.org
Scout..you are probably right about letting them control some things and then when it's something important, they'll do it. My DD is very stubborn...the reverse psychology stuff doesn't work on her..if I were to say something like "well, don't do your homework and explain to your teacher what happened" she's be happy and not do her homework then go to school and lie to her teacher. Does anyone wash their child's mouth out with soap anymore??? My Mom did that to me and my brother's and I HATED that!!
Scout you are using the Barbara Colorosso (sp) style for disapline and she is great. Choices that are acceptable to us should be given to them. If they do not want to wear a coat in the winter time, fine lets go without it. All windows open and air conditioner on full force. Bettcha he'll wear it next time lol.
Aww..thank you Aisha...really, thank you :o) """If she was a diabetic would you deny the medication she needed. No we would not. I am not being mean and the steps your taking are 100% right. Find the root of the problem and deal with it. """ Wow!! I never thought about it that way....how true and accurate...if indeed she does have ADHD, it is a medical condition..it is a nuerological (sp) problem..right??? It's not like someone just has a bad temper or just is dilberatly acting out..like, she really doesn't have control over the things she does..is that right?
I said sh*t in front of my dad once. I never did it again. He made me brush my teeth with dish soap. I swear blew bubbles for a week. When we got in bad trouble with my mom she didnt hestitate to pull out the paddle or a belt.
DogGonit, I'm sorry, but the longer I think about this, the more concerning it is. I don't see it as a discipline problem. Why would you take food and not eat it? Just say, "I don't want any." My daughter ate very little, but never was dishonest about it. She just had a tiny appetite, still does. There is more to this, an obsessive kind of component. Anorexic kids are very very tricky and will tell you just what you want to hear. In the meantime, the disease progresses. Perhaps you caught this in the early stages, but I would definately take it to a psychiatrist so the problem doesn't become full blown. I'm not trying to be an alarmist. If I'm way off base, I will be ecstatic. My advise is to research anorexia so that you are very familiar with the behaviours and keep an eagle eye out for them. They are very good at hiding them, though. When we have a kid in the hospital, they have their meals monitored and have to go to the bathroom with the door open and someone there so they don't throw up. We have found food stashed in pillow cases, drawers, etc. The kids are 75 lbs and they see themselves as overweight. They can have heart problems from not enough potassium in their diet. Make sure she drinks orange juice, daily, if you think she's eating very little. I hope I am dead wrong, but look it up and be aware of the potential problems. Keep us posted.
That is right! They can not help it. Let me tell you a little story about my kid when he was little (1st grade) At school teachers kept reporting that he would fall off chairs. Sitting nice one minute and the next slide right off the chair and boom on the floor. At dinner same thing and doing homework same problem. I would freak out on him. "what is wrong with you? Do I need to tie you to the chair"? Teachers also told him that the chair would be taken away from him if he could not learn how to sit in it properly. When trying to find out what was wrong with his learning I read on everything and anything. Add, autism, dyslexia etc..... One book put it so plain and simple that when I read it I cried so hard. "imagine sitting on a roller coaster and trying to read a book! Words are swimming everywhere, you are concentrating so hard trying to read this. Try spinning around in circles and then try to read a paragraph? can you. try harder! Try again! I'm sorry your dizzy and feeling a little queasy your going to throw up? That is what it is like having a child with LD trying to do something they can't! They are trying so hard that now they are dizzy and feeling queasy and boom they fall out of chairs! literally. The concentration is making them hard to control their balance. Oh boy did I cry when I read that. Imagine yelling at a little boy you call your son who you love more then anything in the world for doing something that is not his fault! :(
OMG, Aisha, my daughter Katie did the same thing! She spilled stuff and fell out of her chair every night at dinner! ADD kids are very clumsy, its part of the syndrome. She couldn't walk down the stairs without tumbling, EVERY TIME! I think a lot of her problems at 11 were from constantly being yelled at every minute compounded with puberty and her social dysfunction at school. But that's in the past for us. She is (finally) a good student and wants to major in psychology. One thing that really helped is that we found a doctor who has ADD himself. I think he was very inspiring to her and was able to help her more than anybody because he knew firsthand what she was going through.
lalayla - did your daughter have self esteem issues re: school ? my son is always saying how he is not like other kids, and he can't do this and that cause his brain doesn't work right. he always calls himself dumb which i know is a load of bull but i can't seem to convince him otherwise.
I am not 100% convinced that this is anorexia. (it could be) but there are some other things to consider first. Please look into signs and symptoms on it before you stress on it at the Dr's next week. It could very well be possible and I won't deny that children that young have eating disorders. But there could be other factors and those need to be fully explored as well. If you stress on it to much at the Dr's he may not even explore other areas. Lalayla, yes my kid is such a clutz. Everytime I hear a tumble I do not even need to ask who went flying. lol. Thankfully no broken bones or trips to the E.R Even if the pavement is slightly uneven he will trip. He still gets a remark for these things because he is not paying attention but I know it is not his fault. he also does not wear his shoes properly so there you go. lol.
I want to join in. Maybe we should start a parenting forum also. I am having so much trouble with my 5 yr. old lately. She is very angry with me. She would never admit it but I know this is the problem. Saying she wouldn't admit isn't necessarily true. I don't think she knows. I think maybe she's a little to young to know. She has been acting horrible to me ever since we moved to NJ away from her Mimi and Papaw (my mom and dad). They live in TN. I can't control her. The child is unbearable. Really. Most days I just sit down and cry I get so frustrated with her. Most days I also can't wait to take her to school. She only has half day kindergarten and I really can't wait until she goes to school all day next year. She also has an eating problem. She holds the food in her cheeks, it takes her, literally, 3 hours to eat, she doesn't like anything, so she says, and I absolutely hate meal times at my house. She has weighed 38 pds. for the last 3 yrs. She hasn't gained an ounce since we moved from her grandparents. She gets taller but she just keeps getting thinner and thinner. Shes so much into blackmail. Well, if you don't do this than I'll do this. You get the idea. I'm not a single mom. I do have my husband but only on the weekends with the kids. My husband owns a business. He works everyday from 5 in the morning to around 9 at night. The kids are already in bed when he gets home. Don't get me wrong, he works very hard for all that we have and I want to say that we have a lot. My kids or I don't want for anything. We have all the money we need, I can buy anything without feeling guilty, and shop anywhere I want. I have a 14,000 sq. ft. home that I take care of all by myself. I could hire someone to do it but I don't want to. Myself, my dogs, my kids, and my husband are extremely spoiled. We are not the normal family. I know of no other 25 yr. old what has the things I do and I know of no other 5 yr. old who has the things that she does. Maybe this is the problem. Maybe Kaitlyn is very spoiled as far as things she wants to buy goes but she's not spoiled as far as things she wants to do goes. Does that make sense? I just want to say DoGoneIT I know exactly how you feel as far as the food issue goes. What you wrote explains Kaitlyn exactly. There are no differences whats so ever. I thought you were describing her to me there for a second. I know there is a deep underlying issue with Kaitlyn. I also know that I have to get her help. I just needed to jump in here and say that I am also going through horrible things with my daughter right now and I appreciate everyones advice on this thread (even though it wasn't directed at me), it also helps to know that I'm not the only one going through it.
Wow..my DD sounds she's going through so much of what your's are...I am still very uneducated about ADHD...now more than ever I think she has it. I don't want to HAVE to put her on meds..if there are other ways of dealing with it, I am going to try those first...but the Doc did say that if she does have it..then medication might be in order. Anorexia..I don't think she has that, after reading Laylas post about it...I started to look it up, and here are some symptons I found.. Symptons: Signs of anorexia include: * Excessive exercising after meals (she doesn't exercise at all..well she plays, but she's too lazy to exercise some of the time) * Often skips meals or makes excuses not to attend family dinners (the stashing of the food under her chair was breakfast..I have come to the conclusion that she HATES to eat in the morning and makes her self sick over it, plus from what other's have said, some of their kids just can't eat in the morning) * Always complains of being *fat*, even when below normal weight (no..she loves her body...she's actually very vain when it comes to that..a little too vain) * Dividing foods into good/bad categories (I'm not sure what this means..of course she has foods that she doesn't like..and she has foods that she LOVES...maybe someone can explain this one further) * Irritable or suffering from severe mood swings (well, yeah, she does thave that, but I am leaning more towards her having ADHD * menustral period ceases (She's 11..but her body is growing healthy..and she's starting puberty) What does everyone else think?
I didn't read all the posts because there were so many but, as I said befre we are military too DH is on deployment now, I have one son with CAPD and the other is being tested this month for ADHD. I was wondering if your child was on ADHD meds because I know it makes them lose their appitite. But, as for the breakfast thing my oldest son does this, He is almost 11. He'll brush his teeth first so he doesn't have to eat breakfast. Because he knows I won't make him eat after he brushes because of the toothpaste taste and food.. uck. He doesn't hide it however, he just refuses to eat. Alot of time he will say he isn't hungry. I never ate breakfast and still to this day I don't. I would tell her she eeds to tell you when she doesn't want something so you can atleast moniter what she is eating. I don't force my kids to eat (though i have forced them to try things, where my oldest was gagging like he was gonna die) I'm not sure if your daughters problem is she has an eating disorder or she just doesn't like the foods, maybe I am too accomidating to my kids but mine never buy lunch they are picky, so they bring cereal!!! Sorry not sure what to tell you. She sounds more picky than anything. editted: After reading a few more posts I saw you do make her eat. I do as others the 2 more bites thing. My kids eat the exact same things, mac n cheese, ramen, pizza, etc. I let them. Maybe I'm a bad mom my kids don't eat vegtables but with practically being a single parent you learn to pick your battles! Trust me I sooooo am you! BTW my middle son is being tested for ADHD on the 17th of November been waiting since like May. Anyway good luck! Nikki
When we first moved here we lived in Princeton. Last year we moved to New Hope, PA. I love it here. I hated Jersey. Have you ever been to New Hope? My daughter loves to go into town and feed the ducks and the swans.
Zoeandtucker: Things will never replace the things kids really need. My kids are also spoiled beyond words and I really had to watch myself. 5 gameboys! who has 5? Sure every 6 months they come out with new and improved ones. Now it is "save your own money and if you really think that spending another $150.oo is a good idea, then go for it!" Your daughter may also be going through things at school. Talk to her teacher. My oldest is a complete angel at school and at home I want to slap him so hard at times. He is always making his brother cry. Hits, screams, even tries to not allow him in the play room! Hates me for giving him a brother all the time. There is light on the other side. Even though it seems impossible to imagine. Then other times he is the funnest most loving thing God put on this earth. Lately the good days are outweighing the bad ones. Do I still feel like slapping him? Yes of course I do but I am human and I too have my days when I just need to go stand outside for 15 min and cool off.