I hope I will get a lot of responses to my issue. I love this website by the way! I have two Am Staffs, ages 6 and 5 years. Both are females and have had 2 fights over a treat in the past 5 years. They were pretty bad fights and scared the crap out of me. They stopped on their own, although I screamed at the top of my lungs at them. I don't even think a break stick would have helped. I considered getting rid of the youngest dog. Both dogs were rescue dogs essentially. The youngest one was just to be a foster dog, and I ended up keeping her. My husband didn't really want another dog, but she and my older dog seemed to get along so well. I have seriously considered getting rid of the younger one if only in their best interests. We are more than a year out and we've been fine, but as someone said in another article, with the bully breeds, you just have to watch. I make sure I am consistent in treating each of them and giving them attention, etc. I am wondering if they are likely to have another fight in the future. As I said they have been okay, but my husband has voted to get rid of them for a long time. Today, my husband came home from work before me and found that one of the dogs pooped, runny, in the hallway on the white carpet. We just recently moved and the white carpet was already there. You should know that my husband feels that I love my dogs more than him. He says that I need counseling because of the love and security that I get from my dogs. My husband doesn't want the dogs to sleep in our bedroom, even though at our old house they slept with us the whole time. Now, all of the sudden he wants that to change. My husband says that I have no respect for his things because my dogs were lying on his sleeping blanket. I often fall asleep on the couch with my dogs and don't make it to my bedroom. My husband resents this very much. I am afraid to lose my husband, but I also love my dogs dearly. They have been there for me many times that my husband has not been. My husband works late at night and sometimes overnight, so I don't like to be in this big house by myself. Furthermore, I have raised my husband's two daughters like they are my own. I have sacrificed a lot for these two girls and for him. The youngest daughter lives with us and I am the only real solid parent that she has. The girls adore their dogs and would be lost without them, but my husband wanted to beat them tonight when he came home and found the poop. the reason that I think they pooped (I think the youngest one) is because my husband had a fit on Sunday morning about the sleeping blanket, I had to work on Sunday and so my mom kept the dogs. My dogs ate some of a different dog food, which upset their stomach. Of course any dog lover would know and understand this in my eyes, but not my husband's. He thinks that if a dog gets sick and throws up or anything like that, it is just inexcusable. He also won't agree to us putting up a fence to keep the neighbors dogs out of our yard because it would be doing something to accomodate the dogs and he just won't have that. I am really at an impasse here. I love my husband dearly, but I cannot just let him control my decision with my dogs. I cannot tell you how serious this is. I have suggested counseling and my husband says that he doens't need it because he knows what he wants, and that is the dogs gone. Am I just being blind?
Have you thaught about putting how you feel about your dogs and him and his kids in a letter that way you can let him know how you feel without fighting inbetween. Maybee he feels left out and will understand more if he knows the whole situation. Good luck.
there is no one who can tell you what to do ....... this is your relationship and no one here knows the dynamics of it. i would try compromising with him and seeing if there is a solution that will make you both happy.
if not, and it were me, the decision would be fairly simple .... the husband goes. i am completely sincere when i say that also .
When having 2 AmStaffs of the same sex can have problems in the future if not closely monitored. But these can be dealt with.
If they normally get along most of the time except for meal time, feed them separately. If they fight for no reason, you may need to separate them all the time. Whatever you do, don't leave them alone unattended.
If they do get in a fight, don't try to break it up unless armed with a break stick. And this can be impossible if you're by yourself. Usually it takes two people to handle 2 fighting dogs. If not, there's a very good possibility of getting bit yourself.
As far as your Hubby, I don't know what to say. If you have a strong relationship, he will come to accept your need to care for your dogs.
I've been married for 13 yrs. and once in awhile my Husband gets annoyed with my dogs, cats, fish, turtles, etc. and tells me they're all banned to the back yard, or to get rid of them, whatever. I just let him rant for awhile, and then in an hour he's over it and spoils the whole bunch just as much as I do. We both have a love of animals and pick cat and dog hair out of our food on a daily basis.
I totally understand how you feel, T and M Mom. I think your husband is feeling left out. You should try spending equal amounts of time with your husband and your dogs separately. Or spend just a little more time with your husband than your dogs. But only a tiny bit more time. Let me know how things work out! :)
Wow, that's a really tough situation. My heart goes out to you because I know if I married my current boyfriend (which I would like to do in another 2yrs) my situation would be similar to yours.
First I think that both of you may need to compromise. You have already considered rehoming the youngest one due to the fights that your dogs have had together. Maybe that would be a possiblity that would satisfy him. With his things being destroyed, perhaps you need to hire someone to put up the fence so that the dogs can have some space to run during the day and won't be left unattended in the home. He's just being stubborn with the fence and doesn't want to give in. It's not accomdating the dogs, but it's accomdating him since it's pretending his belongs. You said you had a big house, maybe the dogs should have their own room during the day, if that's possible? Also, I think that the insecurity and love issues with the dogs are not your problem. It seems to be his. Counseling would be your best bet. I know you said that he says he knows what he wants, but what about what you want? Find a marriage counselor and go to them a couple of times along. Have them get a full understanding of the situation. I'm sure after a couple of sessions that they'll request your husband to come with you to work out these issues. That's the best way I could think of to get him to go to counseling with you. Relationship counseling on your own can be helpful. I've attended and although you don't directly work out your issues together, it gives you insight on your relationship and how to see things from your partner's point of view.
If he's not comfortable sleeping with the dogs then fine, agree to give him that. But it takes a lot raising kids especially if they are not yours. I'm sure you love them just as if they were, but your marriage came with an insist family. He needs to understand that your not asking a lot and the attention you give to do dogs is not depriving him of your affection. Perhaps you could have your mother dogsit on a regular basis and just have a "date night". Even if it's at home watching a movie, just a time were all of your attention is on him since he seems to be feeling insecure at this moment.
Well, like I said I'm not married, but I hope that can be of a little help.
Omg , I just feel so horrible for you. My bullies are my life ,and my hubby totally understands this ,he loves them just as much as I do.My dogs do sleep on my bed and my hubby does hate it. We now are trying to ween them off of it ,but it's hard.I couldn't stand some one that I have a relationship with not having the same feelings about my animals as I do.I really don't know what to say. These are living , breathing , loving creatures in your home. Maybe the both of you can come to some sort of compromise for the sake of your marriage and your dogs. You both need to sit and talk. This is just my opinion. I'm no expert.Good luck.
By the way I cuurently have 2 female Pits ,to not have them fight ,things such as toys and chews are fed to them separately.
Let me begin by saying, I am so sorry. I know how hard this has to be for you. Choosing between your dogs and your husband is awful. If you want my honest opinion, leave the ________ (insert appropriate expletive here) husband. Anyone who would threaten to beat a defenseless dog is nothing but an abuser. I know because I lived with one growing up. It's the dog today but it will be something else tomorrow. Run!
I can understand suggesting to rehome one dog. But why rehome both? I don't understand his reasoning. If you rehome one dog, your aggression issues will be a thing of the past. Frankly, I would dump the husband and keep both dogs. Just make sure to separate the dogs while you are not home.
its not like you just got the dogs. you have had them for a long time. now your husband is changing the rules. i can not tell you what to do, only what I would do. i would sit down with hubby and try to work out a sensible plan to make everyone happy, including the dogs. if that does not work, i would throw a little going away party for the hubby.
You sound like a wonderful mother to both your skin daughters and fur ones. Personally anyone who threatens to beat an animal has problems. I would try counseling. A fence is not accomidating the dogs that is crazy talk... it will protect your belongings as well as your husband's. I don't know anything about you or your relationship with your husband.... but are their other problems in your relationship? Do they sleep in the bed with you? I think you could compromise about them sleeping with you and have them sleep in beds on the floor. It seems like you have done a lot for him and raising his kids and being a good wife. He should respect your dogs and your passion for animals. My fiance thinks I'm nutty sometimes because I'm so dog crazy. But he's NASCAR and car crazy (and now dog crazy, thanks to me!)
Maybe if you could tell him exactly what you have told us. Sit him down and calmly tell him your feelings. A fence would be a great idea. Plus it would raise the value of your house. (It did for my family's old house anyway) I don't think you should "throw away" a marriage. Counseling should be an option. He should respect you and your feelings. If he doesn't... now that is another story that you will have to update us on... But personally I wouldn't rehome the dogs. Not as many owners are as understanding about this breed's needs. And they could get into the wrong hands if you know what I mean.
It sounds to me your husband is the one with issues reguarding respect to you and your "things" (i.e. dogs) Sounds to me like he feels he is having to c ompete for affection (yours) and feels threatened by the presence of the dogs. Now while I think its unwise to have two amstaffs as pets of the same sex...the issue here I honestly feel is your husbands insecurities. If he wants you to choose between him and the dogs...take the dogs...such selfishness is not something pleasant to live with.
***Edited By: Fluffypinkbunnyfeet on 2/21/2006 9:28:33 PM*** Reason: typo
Well, you really have a problem here. I think your husband is just really jealous. I think he is trying to get attention from you with all those rules and is testing you to see what you will do. I also can't tell you what to do but I wouldn't give up my dogs. I would still let them sleep in the bed with us like they did before. A change like that isn't even good for the dogs. Why did you stop letting them sleep with you? Ours would be lost after all these years. A dog will make a mistake going poop on the carpet. Big deal. Was anyone there to let them out or did your husband want them to open the door themselves? I just think he is testing you. Have a good talk with him and maybe you can find out what is really bothering him.
Me? we have 8 dogs and the girls have foughten so bad over the last 8 years that now one of them just had to have her leg amputated. It started with one female and we seperated them. Then the next female started fighting.
The only thing I can say is YES they will fight again. It is about who wants to be the alpha dog and you can't change that. All you can do it seperated them. Just when you think they are not going to fight, they fight. Trust me. We thought we knew what we were doing but we didn't. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Wow, you guys are quick to say to leave the husband. I guess since I'm in a situation where my boyfriend doesn't like dogs (he claims to have allergies, but I've never seen him react to a dog) I see things differently. He's just not a pet person at all and although he's never threatened violence against an animal, I wouldn't put it past him in a moment of anger like with brand new white carpet. However, although I could see him saying the threat, he would never act upon it. He has a child from a previous relationship and I've never seen a more affectionate and loving father. Some people just have no attachment to pets and never learn the value of an animal life. It doesn't make them a bad person, it just means their a little narrowminded in that aspect. I just think if I was married to the love of my life and our marriage came down to my pets or my loved one. I would choice the marriage if that was the ONLY problem in our marriage. Don't get mad at me guys. I'm not planning on rehoming my puppy just because of my boyfriend. Right now I live separate from my boyfriend and when/if we get married he doesn't expect me to get rid of the dog but to compromise regarding the areas of the house where I dog could go. I don't know, I love animals a lot, but your spouse is a life partner. A dog won't live more than 20yrs but the love of your life could last forever. However the divorce rate is raising ; )
Thank you all so much for your responses. I really needed them tonight. I have considered leaving so my stepdaughters would still have a home. It would be easier for me to leave. But, don't get me wrong....I am not leaving anything financially should this lead to a divorce! I'm not that crazy!
I am glad to hear that I am not the crazy one, not that even one of us has to be crazy. My husband is very jealous of the dogs. This weekend when my mom had the dogs, my husband commented how nice it was not to have the dogs around and for us to spend time together. I was thinking to myself how much I missed the dogs though while he was saying this!
My husband will hate the dogs one minute and then love them the next. Over the weekend, he said that he "tapped" my youngest dog to get off of our bed. I accidentally left the bedroom door open because he came home so late from work, 3 am, and I was half asleep and forgot to close the door. Well, so I admit that I should not have left the situation arise and the dog be on the bed. We all know what happens when you startle a dog in a deep sleep. My youngest growled at my husband and my husband lunged at her. To say the least, I had the power of 20, 300 pound men at that point. It was at that point that I realized that I would truly knock my husband out to protect my dogs. My only concern at that point was to get my dogs out of the way and let my husband calm down. Needless to say, this is why the dogs and I went to my mom's!
My husband does have other issues that he needs to deal with. Control is one big one. He is the adult child of an alcoholic and I have in an open way talked to him about this issue, but he refuses to make any connections. Adult Children of Alcoholics sometimes have control issues as adults, as I am told from my psychologist.
For the person who suggested individual counseling, Thank you. I have been now for 2 years. I got really sick with a life-threatening blood clot about 3 years ago and truly did not think that I would make it. I do think that I changed as a person, and quite honestly probably trusted my dogs more than my husband. It has beena tough time for all of us, but my husband is not willing to compromise at all.
I do like the idea of my mom babysitting once a month or something. My husband and I have talked about the date night idea. I think anything that seems like work for him is just more than he can handle. He didn't want to go to couples counseling because it was too inconvenient in his schedule. We tried two times, and I had to drag him both times.
I also like the idea of trying to pay more attention to him, even if it's just to give him the idea that he's getting more attention than the dogs. Unfortunately, I am finding that he is irritating me more than anything and I just don't have it in me to "poo poo" all over him. Besides, I work just as much as he does. I think my husband has this unrealistic view on life--it involves a full-time career woman who raises the kids, with an occassional help from him for posterity, and keeps the house sparkling, gets dinner done, cleans up, and is ready to dote all over him for the rest of the night. Well, when the heck do I get time for myself??? I recently started taking 3 days a week for myself at the gym and it's been great, but then stuff doesn't get done here.
So, you see, it's not really about the dogs for him in my eyes, but his own feelings of frustration and inadequacy I think. I don't have these internal insecurities like he does.
I will keep you posted. I see my happy doctor--as I call her--tomorrow. She is a big help!!
Thank you again for all of your kind words. You made me laugh. My husband caught me looking at the real estate section of the paper tonight.....maybe he'll get the hint.
Sorry your in that situation. Personally my hubbie wont allow the dogs in the house because the dog hair grosses him out and i respect that. So my 2 pitts that were also rescues stay out doors and they're healthy and happy.
We agreed to get a poodle(notice a breed he could tollerate indoors) for the inside because I want a dog to baby since my 3 sons are all teens now. So theres plenty of ways for couples to comprmise and as long as both of you give alittle and not get bull headed you should be able to come up with a solution together.
Material things like carpet are not worth getting rid of your beloved pets or hubbie. Try to find away to get along so the pets can have a forever happy home. Like someone else said, we really dont know the "whole situation" in your realtionship, and I'm no counseler by trade so it wont help to air that either!LOL! But Good Luck and I hope you, him and the dogs can come up with a solution!
* whats weird is I have a white kitty that sheds and her hair dont make his skin crawl like the dogs.My weird phobic honey buns!LOL! But its a give and take in any relationship!
***Edited By: duchess on 2/21/2006 9:56:36 PM*** Reason: add
I feel odd giving advice about such a personal situation. BUT I would give on the issue of letting the dogs sleep in the bed, and going to bed with your husband instead of on the couch.
In fact, we had something silmilar at my house. In our case, it was more that hubby felt left out and unimportant. I would come to bed hours later than him, simmply because I am not tired at 10. And the dog slept in there with us. The problem (for us) was not the dog at all, but I think the dog was something that he knew would get my attention. Now we go to bed around 11 (we both compromised on the time) and the dog sleeps in the living room so that hubby has me all to himself in bed. The dog is fine, the hubby is happy, and because of that, I feel better too.