I am about to move in with the boyfriend, which has two small children(joint custody), does anyone have any advise for me to make it easy for them to get to know me, they are 7 and 4, the boy is older.
How well do the kids know you now? Do you have any kids of your own? I have 2 stepsons, And when my husband moved in with me, we hadn't dated very long, but his boys took right too me. I tried to spend one on one time with the boys. The boys eventually started calling me mom! I would just suggest trying to include his kids in on everything nd mke them feel important. That way they won't feel like you are intruding in on time with thier dad. Also make sure that he spends one on one time with them! Hope this helps!
You just have to let them do it on their own time.
They will probably hate you at first...but you have to let them go through whatever emotions they are going to go through. They will actually more then likely, warm up to you fast.
Probably the best thing you could do for them, is to tell their dad to always listen if they want to talk. And no matter how angry you may get with some of the things they say or do, remember the acting out is just because they are hurting and confused and not to take it personal.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike, than those who think differently.-Friedrich Nietzsche
They both have spent some time with me and him. The little girl is in love with me, the boy not so much, I mean hes freindly towards me, but we think his mom is saying stuff to him. I'm not looking to be his mom, I have no kids of my own, and at 35, I'm not to sure about that at all. SO I do feel a little weird about the whole thing. But I want them to feel comfortable with me of course. I guess I'm afraid to be to pushy.
I can understand your fears, but it is very scary for the Mom as well, she doesn't want anyone trying to be her kids mom plus she fears they will like you better. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and met my husband when she was about 5 months old she is now 8 and has always accepted my husband b/c he is there more then her Dad. But when her Dad married again, I was fearful she may view her step mom as someone more fun then I since I'm the one that has to discipline her and lay down the law and they only have her every other weekend so they do more fun stuff. That of coarse was not the case, she doesn't like going over there and does like her step mom but not more then me.
Basically it will take time, just get to know them. Make sure your not trying to take their mom's place. Do fun things with them when they come over. Make sure they have time with their Dad, maybe even alone time every now again isn't bad.
My husband never had kids of his own and I had a hysterectomy so I cant have anymore....(Geez, not that I would want to, I am going on 43 and have 4 kids already)
But, our situation was the same as yours.....even the ages of the kids at the time!
We took it slow. We did stuff all together and we also make time for just him and I to do things. I also take time to do little things with my kids alone so we have time together as well....It really is a balancing act.
I must add, my previous marriage failed as my ex was a tyrant and undermined my authority and any attempts I ever made to discpline the children. That included his stepchildren (mine from prev marriage) and ours that WE had....
I wont go into too much detail here, but you can PM me if you like....he wasnt a nice person.
You must let the natural parent be in charge of discpline. Not to say that you dont have a say what goes on in your house or that you dont have any power, but it must come down from the parent first, supported by the step. Otherwise, they will resent the stepparent over time....
My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs and we have NO problems, whatsoever. My kids respect him, in fact, I hardly see my son when they are here....my husband and son are so close, you would think they are related...they go off to play paintball, or sit in the den for hrs playing xbox football and war games....
My husband is teaching my daughter to play the drums, as he is a drummer in the band.....He also takes her to his karate classes as she is interested in that as well....
It takes some time, for sure.....but if you love his kids it can be as good as having your own.....
my mom married my dad when i was 6 and my sister was 3.I of course remebered living a single life.i also remeber her x beating her on a few occassions.So at the time I had little rust for men and this new guy was no different.In fact I hated him with a passion.This guy moved in after only 2 months and they got married after 4 months.He tried his hardest to get on my good side.He let me get away with murder and bought me everything i wanted.I was young and selfish so this worked pretty well.Especially since mom was young and single we didnt have much money. Mcdonalds was like heaven if that tells you anything!So then i agreed to take his name.After that i became his kid and he started to disipline me oh how i hated him once again!i was not used to getting trouble and ill admit i was a devil of a child.Well I called him dad after a year,since my prayers for them to divorce did not work!lmao Well 8 years later their still married and i cant imagine life without my dad.Since my biological father is only blood he is not my dad.theres more to being a dad than just blood.
So i think the best thing you can do is take it slow.Dont buy them everything! lol Be there for them but dont be their friend right now.Try spending one on one time with them.Talk about things they like,play with things they like.Dont pressure them to call you mom or anything.Dont let them walk on you though.I attach to people more that I respect.Not to people who brown nose. Good luck
Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!
I'm in the opposite situation, my husband married me when my son was 7. He came into our lives when my son was 5.
Here are some things that we've learned: You don't have to set yourself up as mom - but remember you are the adult. As such, you deserve and should be treated with respect.
Be friendly - but know that you can't be their "Friend" - that comes later in life.
Remember that when you complain or criticize to your boyfriend about something that the kids have done - he will probably get defensive. My husband gets frustrated with the mess that my son leaves and when he complains to me about it, I hear "Why didn't you teach him better?" instead of what's really being said "I'm tired of him leaving his things out".
Ask your boyfriend to help set guidelines of "your space"... everyone needs their own space, their own place to go when they need to be away from everyone else (especially those who are not used to being around children).
Remember that time means more than anything else that you can offer... make time for "Family nights" as well as "date nights" for you and your boyfriend.
Most of all make a commitment - and stick to it. We actually signed a "family contract" to show our commitment to understanding that WE ALL made the decision to become a family. Speaking of - it would help if your boyfriend guides them through the decision of inviting you into the house... instead of just TELLING them that you're moving in... but it may be too late for that - I don't know.
Give it time and a lot of patience and purchase some Excedrin - you'll need it til you get used to having kids around!
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there... and I'm wearing milk bone underpants"
I havent read any posts on here yet. BUT... I have three step children,, At first I think I tried to hard, they liked me but after awhile I realized my rules were SOOOO different from there moms! To make a long story short, after seven years I have realized that there mom has here ways and I have mine!!! I am one that likes a clean house/ I like beds made etc... AT FIRST.... they fought . BUT I found that as long as you have the support of your spouse and you are willing to give and understand how they live at home.... they will respect what you are asking of them! DONT BACK DOWN!!! Just be supportive and LOVE THEM and after awhile they cant help but to LOVE YOU!! My Step kids May not admit it to there mom, BUT... they LOVE ME! and thats all that matters!!!! Majorlover
Life is too short!!! tell someone you LOVE them today!
I married my husband 10 years ago when my daughters were 2,4,6 and he has no kids- It seems to get harder and harder as they get older. This is the main reason we argue is the kids. They dont listen to him they get in his stuff, but you would think after 10 years he would understand that he helped raise them and the way they are is from both of us- He us to be active in disipline and raising them and for the past few years hes had nothing to do with any of that. He gets very stressed and most times needs to take a chill pill he over reacts to things that are just kid things- HE seems to stoop down to their ages then hes mad and argues with them and they have no respect for him any more because of the way he goes about things- Hes never hit them or anything like that. He just is grouchy i guess i would say but he wants his own kids and they know this and i think it hurts thier feelings. Just the other day my youngest did something- something stupid i dont even know what it was, he said your lucky your not my kid- and i looked at him and gave him a dirty look. why would he say that? just to be mean i think. he never was this way- granted my kids are spoiled rotton monsters that get away with everything and they walk all over me and he sees it so hes always on me because i let them get away with everthing. like my 2 youngest just ran up their cell phone bill to 900.00 and like many things i wasnt going to say anything knowing it would just cause more grief but i did and now hes taking over the disipline but i dont think that is right - since its my cell phone bill and i pay it not him- but were married i know money is both of ours but i do have my own income also- so what i did wasnt enough- i had their cells turned off- and they knew how upset i was- but he grounded them from the house phone and also from going anywhere, even their dads which i tell him i dont think so they can and will go to their dads house. and now with them being so mouthy hes doing the hole go live with your dad- Most days its a night mare here. I do understand how he must feel being a step parent but i didnt hide my kids in any closet when he married me and of coarse im always stuck in the middle and me and hubby argue about the kids over stupid things- to me being a parent its stupid and i know my kids. he really doesnt- so i get mad when he says things that i know arent true but insists that they pull the wool over my eyes and i dont see it- which i know more then he thinks..lol but he does want his own kids and we have checked into invetro , I had my tubes tied when i was 20 years old. but i keep thinking if he isnt a good parent to my kids wbat makes having his own any differnt? he doesnt have parenting skills now - so im sure it would be the same way- and i wouldnt want that-
my ex is remarried, and i had the fear of the stepmom too. i can relate. but i didn't say anything bad and tried to accept her. as for being a step parent, i really agree with letting the bio parent be the discipliner. but, you'll be alone with them too so you will have to do some of it. i think he needs to make clear you are to be respected and follow house rules even when you are the one enforcing them.