Pocket Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
(Only a guy would do this!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife - who would never consider a gun - adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!
(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. That hurt !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, David Henry
I think the writer made up the whole thing for comic effect. The style is even a lot like Dave Barry. The red flags here were some claims the article made about the pocket Taser itself. Even if he was using the term "Taser" generically, if you can find a stun gun company that makes them for consumers, at 100,000 volts using two triple-A batteries, and doesn't make you submit to a background check before it's activated, then maybe I'm wrong. But here's why I don't think so:
The company Taser makes stun guns of 50,000 volts, not 100,000, and they all use a rechargeable lithium ion battery or eight AAs, not two AAAs like in the article. Taser is the only company I've heard of that makes stun guns for consumers. If you buy one, you have to go through a fairly thorough process that includes a background check, to get it registered and THEN activated. The guy in the article used his right outta the box. And every time you use it, even in target practice, it shoots out a swarm of tiny stickers with that taser's serial number on each sticker. This ties the discharge to the person that taser is registered to. If someone used it in a crime (like robbing a convenience store, or hazing a fraternity pledge, or tormenting an animal), the site would become a crime scene with evidence, and no amount of cleaning up (except maybe burning the place down) gets rid of every last one of the little stickers. People drop dead sometimes when they're zapped, and the company has to really extend itself so it won't be held liable if the taser gets misused.
I spent some time on www.taser.com right after the Virginia Tech shootings last year. My son was finishing up at VCU in Richmond, VA and living in a high-crime neighborhood. So like a lot of people, I was kind of preoccupied with violent scenarios and nonlethal self-defense options for awhile.
***Edited By: JoanEK on 9/5/2007 11:37:41 AM*** Reason: *
Wow -- tiny, cheap, AND potent. Stylish too, but I don't think the wood grain would look so good if you're wearing black shoes. Funny that it's the world's strongest stun gun but it has to be actually touching its target. That wouldn't have stopped Seung-Hui Cho.
I'd want a real Taser I think -- they work from 15 feet away, plus they come in more colors.