A year ago today my father died . He had been sick for a while and was confined to his bed or a motorized wheelchair. He died in his sleep at home. We had promised him that he wouldn't be put in a nursing home no matter how sick he got. In some ways I was releived that he wasn't suffering anymore, but on another level I was feeling so empty like a huge part of me was gone. He was always the person I could go to with any kind of problem and know he would try to give me the best advise possible and I could trust his judgement. There were a lot of people not just family members that went to my father for advice and who thought of him as a father. Now when something is bothering me I try to think it thru and ask myself what would dad have told me.My mother has Alzheimer's disease and I promised dad I would take care of her after he was gone. He was so worried about her that I think he held on to life long after he really wanted to leave . She is still with us physically but her mind is getting worse . Sometimes she will make sense when she talks to you and other times it is like she is rambling and its almost impossible to understand what she is saying. I don't know whether she will have a good day and know it was a year ago that dad died or if I should not mention it .
I would wait and see if she mentions it first. If you bring it up and she has no memory today of who he even was, that will just upset you. Or if she just doesn't remember that he passed away, it would just be opening up a wound for her. Alzheimer's patients often live in a different time in their mind so she may remember him but not that he passed. I am sure that you probably want to have somebody to share your sadness today and remember him fondly, but I wouldn't put yourself and your Mom through it if you don't have to. Call one of those other family members that loved him and counted on him and remember the good times with somebody who actually remembers.
I'm sorry for your pain Drogheda. Your story is very much like mine. I could not lean on my mother after my dad's death,nor after I lost one of my precious boys. I always go to the cemetary on those anniversaries, and pick a few weeds, and just sit and think about them both. Do you have a close sister or brother? Maybe drop in and see one of your dad's best friends? Just suggestions. Everyone deals with grief in their own way, but no matter how you go about it, it's never easy. I would not mention this to your mom, as painful as that is. My thoughts are with you today, and I'm sending you a huge(((hug)))
My deepest sympathy too you. My bother died five years ago June, 22nd, which was also his 20th birthday. Every year is just as hard as the one before. This past Sunday should have been his 25th birthday, instead it was the 5th anniversary of his death.
Loosing someone you are close to is very hard, but you have to remember that those loved ones would not want us to be sad about them all the time. Life goes on and we should honor thier beloved memories with happy thoughts. I don't think you father would have wanted you to say anything to your mom. As terrible as her desease is, today if gives her some peace of not remembering this loss.
My kindest thoughts and best wishes go out to you on this day. You are dealing with very heavy situations, but they will only make you smarter, stonger, and a better person for it. Chin-up and remember, you are a beautiful person.
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I would not mention it to her, and don't feel upset if she doesn't seem to remember. Or if she seems particularly erractic or confused, it may just be her mind's way of coping with her grief. She may not realize it is this exact date, but may remember it is near this anniversary by the month, or even the season, and so for these few weeks you may notice an increase in dementia, pacing, acting out in anger, sundowning, elopement. In the earlier stages of Alzhemier's, this sort knowledge, of recent loss of loved ones, is still there, even if it comes and goes. You may try getting out old albums and looking at pictures, or start conversations about your memories of him. It is a natural part of the grieving process to want to keep these memories alive and share them with loved ones, and she may or may not respond well to such overtures. These approaches don't have to be made in the context of, "Mom, you do remember what today is?" which would be upsetting whether she does or does not remember. But if she is having a "good" day, she may appreciate you giving her this outlet, as she doesn't have the ability to voice her feelings and emotional needs the ways she once did. Even if she is having a day where she doesn't remember he is gone, and she is looking for him and getting upset, one of the best ways to redirect her is to start these sorts of conversations, such as, "He's out fishing today with so and so. Remember that time Dad took us fishing and he fell out of the boat?" To try to reorientate her to the reality of his loss, daily or hourly as her memory fails, would just be cruel, and without purpose, and is generally no longer recommended like it once was. Take some time for you today, it sounds like you are in a tough situation and have been for some time. My thoughts are with you.
My granddad passed away a year and a half ago. He too suffered from dementia. In the last few months he would frequently ask about his sister, brother, brother in law and oldest son; all had passed away. His sister and brother in law had been gone for decades and he still would ask how Dorothy and Donald were doing. He was a man of faith so I felt no guilt in telling him they were doing fine. I saw no reason to put him through more pain and frustration than he was already going through, JMHO.
I am very sorry for your loss. A year ago this month my beloved grondmother passed away. It's still very hard to deal with. My cousing got married in April and it was devastating to me that my grandmother wasn't their. It took every ounce of my being to keep it together. I had to leave the bridal showere early. I kept focusing on how proud and happy my grandmother would have been, how sad my cousin must have been to not have both her grandmothers there on her day and how Grandmother wouldn't be there on mine.
Your situation is alot like mine. My hubby passed away new years day. I moved my elderly parents in with me so that i could help care for them. My Dad had a stroke a few months back and my mother has Alzheimers. My dad still drives and gets around, but spends most of the time in his chair in front of the TV with both his dogs on his lap. My mother wanders around the house pilfering through things and rambling on and on. She always brings up stuff that happened 20 years ago, but can not remember what she did yesterday or what day it is today. I caught her up one night at 2 in the morning, going through stuff. She had the dining room table stacked with stuff and when i looked in their room, both bedside lamps were on and she had stuff piled on top of my dad who was trying to sleep. She said she was looking for her drivers liscense. My mother has not drove in years. I have been told it will gradually get worse for her and i will hang in as long as i can. It wears me out sometimes just keeping up with her. I do not want to go too far from home because i never know what she will get into. I would not mention your dad unless she brings it up. Dementia patients do not comprehend things in a normal way. It may upset her. If she wants to talk about your dad, then sit down and let her go and be an ear to hear it. Thats all we can really do for them. Its sad when it becomes the children taking care of the parents, but we do what we do because we love them and want to be there for them in the same way they were there for us as we grew up. You may want to join an Alzheimers support group. I may be doing that myself here very soon. Good luck to you and hang in there !
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thank you to everyone for the advise. i didn't mention what day it was to Mom and she didn't remember on her own. she was mainly concerned about some flowers my brother had planted in the front yard.she was worried about them needing to be staked. it's funny how she will get an idea in her head sometimes and it is like nothing else exists.my brother is beginning to realize how bad she is mentally, he had been in denial for so long insisting there wasn't anything wrong with Mom. if he becomes more involved in her care it will make it so much easier to gain her cooperation as he is the youngest and has always been able to get her do what he wants.
Drogheda, I am so sorry about the loss of your father, and the 'disease' that is affecting your mother. I refer to it as a disease, because I feel that it has the same qualities - to turn someone into a different person and slowly take them away. I, too, have been through this twice. We learned very early on that it is best to let them have their happy days, and when they ask about their loved ones that have passed, just to let them know that that they need to say 'I love you' to them either in thought or prayer. Hopefully, your brother will come around and accept what cannot be changed, even though it is one of the most difficult things to do in life. Stay strong and be patient - these are the two things that are needed the most, and remember all of the good times - even if they come on her 'bad' days. (((HUGS)))
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