So Saturday afternoon I received this message from my SIL :
Even though you and I have had our differences the invite to Micheles party still stands. Some things were said on both our parts that went a little overboard. We had a good friendship and its a shame that this is how it turned out. The invite still stands and if you would like to talk about it I am here. Hope all is going well.
I can't help feeling this way, but I am pissed. First because I never said anything to her that was overboard. I never once used bad language, called her names, said anything even remotely in kind to the written assault I was subjected to. AS a matter of fact, 2 of the only 4 messages I sent to her were attempts to put an end to it by agreeing to disagree and stating I was throwing in the towel, that I didn't want to continue on with it. Second because now, I feel as if I should respond and I really do not have any desire to do so. After the things she said to me, I feel well within my right to never respond again and continue on with her original plan of not stepping foot in her home and to never have any contact with her and assumedly my brother in law, ever again. I am comfortable with that. I think I am going to stick to my guns on this one and ignore her message. I was just wondering what you all thought since you gave me such good input in the original thread. Thanks.
For me, it would be very valuable to have a good relationship. I might would reply with something to the effect of,"Thank you. I'd like to put this behind us and move forward as friends." And then at the party, I'd be pleasant and polite, even if I kind of felt like choking her, knowing that my feelings would "cool down" in time, and that she quite likely will be my sister-in-law for many years.
If you really are perfectly happy keeping the animosity and not seeing that part of the family, or if she is really a bad person, and not a nice person who did something crappy, then of course this wouldn't be the answer. I fear that "thank you but it's too soon" would be taken as a rejection of her olive branch.. which is of course fine if that is what you want.. But I figure if you are just pleasant and polite when you see her at the party, and you won't be seeing her again for a while, the next time things would feel easier, the time after that even easier, until one day you might ENJOY her company again.
I always try to ask myself, "Will this matter in 10 years?" The issue that the disagreement was about will not, I would think.. the animosity might.
Shiny you are right also. What caused this huge debacle is really insignificant. It is a forgivable action, one that upset me but it wasn't the end of the world. Unfortunately, what was said afterwards is what led me to feel this way. If we had actually spoken, I would have forgave most of what was said because I know myself sometimes things just slip out and you regret saying them before you are even completely done saying it. The fact that it was a typed message makes it even more meaningful because after it was typed out, it could have been edited, deleted, whatever. There was time to think before hitting the send button. One of the reasons the emails went back and forth for a few days was because I took my time to digest what was being said to me, think about how to reply knowing that there could be more at stake then just the dissolution of a friendship, before I replied. If I replied right away, it would have been an even hotter mess.
I do not enjoy animosity. I also hope that the animosity will not be there forever. But I also know that it is too soon right now. That's why NDY's response was so perfect. If the party was on neutral ground, not at their house, then I think I would go. I think it would be better to get this over and done with as soon as possible but I just feel like I cannot right now. I'm just not good enough at wearing a poker face and I think things will just be too strained right now.
My DH called his brother today and asked him if they could meet tomorrow to talk about the things that were said. His brother wasn't aware I had been banned from their home. So I am not even sure what is going on over there right now. I still have not replied to her, and the message was sent to me Saturday. I guess I will give it another day, see how things go with DH and his brother and take it from there. This totally sucks, it really does.