A letter to my beloved Roxanne
Dear Sweet Angel Roxanne,
Today is Monday and it has been 2 days since we let you go. March 31 will be a day of remembrance for me for a very long time. My heart aches with sorrow and sadness and I miss you in so many ways. The house feels empty without you, although Bear and Shasta help to fill the void in some ways. When you were diagnosed in December with cancer, I thought for sure that we would both be strong enough to beat it. I tried my best, my lovely, and I know you tried as well. Looking back on when we first met in Washington in 1998, I saw you and immediately knew that I wouldn’t be able to let you go. The plan was to find a local hunter who needed a dog and then give you to him. I have to admit, I didn’t try very hard to find you another home. I had never anticipated having 4 dogs but I’m so glad that it worked out like it did. You and I were meant for each other and I think we both saw that right away. Your previous owner had obviously mistreated you, and I wanted so much to take that fear and anger away. I think I succeeded. You taught me so much and made me keep my anger in check. Even scolding you for being a bad girl made me feel like a heel after seeing your sad face. You kept me company during my sad times, made me look forward to coming home, and you kept me company during our road trip across the country. I miss so many things about you, including your sweet scrunchy face, your long soft ears, your soft furry chest, your chicklet teeth, your long furry nose, your nudging me to be petted on your po po, your opening the hall gate and sneaking into the bathroom to lay down on the rug while I took a shower, your looking out the screen room when I left for work and barking with excitement when I came home. Every time I look out the backyard, I expect to see you laying in the sun or laying down inside in the patch of sunshine through the window. Hearing the pitter patter of your paddy paws is what made me smile everyday you were here with me. I’ll always remember your chewing on tennis balls, chasing lizards and birds, ripping up stuffed toys, and chewing like crazy on your bones. And I could never be that mad at you, even when you stole food from the countertop or stuck your nose in the garbage can. I thought and hoped that you would be able to beat this cancer and after your spleen was removed, I tried so hard to buy you all of the supplements and vitamins and home-cooked meals to help your fight. It wasn’t enough and your body just couldn’t take it anymore. Every bleed was another invasion of cancer cells. I could tell when I looked at you on Friday that you still had the fight in your eyes but your body just wasn’t cooperating. You wouldn’t even pee in the bed when you had to go and tried so hard to go outside like you had been taught to do. You couldn’t get out of bed at all or even move your legs. Keeping your dignity was your number one priority. It would have been ok to pee in the bed and if it would have made you feel better, I wish you had. I look at the bed you died on and it breaks my heart. I hope we did the right thing in deciding to end your pain and misery. There was nothing I could do to make you feel better and we didn’t have any other choice to make your pain go away. I smell the blankets you were laying on for your scent, hoping it is still lingering. I hold the box that contains your remains in my arms and hold it tightly, as if you can hear what I’m saying to you and feel my arms holding you again. I’m getting the photos I took of you on my cell phone and will put them on my computer so I can see your sweet face whenever I want. You are and always will be my beautiful girl. You are a good girl and Mommy will carry you in her heart forever. Daddy misses you and so does Bear. I’m sure Shasta does too but now she doesn’t have any competition for my love. I hope that there is an afterlife that will allow us to meet again. If so, please let my other puppies know how much I love them. They are Fritz, Bandit, Seymour, Muffin, and Clyde. Also tell Bessie my hamster that I love her as well. I don’t know what awaits us after we leave our bodies here on earth, I can only hope that it is to reconnect with loved ones so that we can begin another journey of happiness. Be well my sweetheart. I look forward to seeing your sweet face once again. Mommy and Daddy love you Angel.
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