I just got a phone call that my ex-step dad shot himself. We were not super close. He was actually accused of molesting my 13 year old sister.....he got off scott clean and served no time. He said he felt guilty, I guess things just got too stressful for him. I am having mixed feelings about his death because part of me feels bad but then the other part of me just hates him for what he did. Part of me thinks that society is better now but then I feel guilty for thinking that but I have two little girls of my own and would just die if anything happened to them. My mom didn't believe my sister, She still doesn't even now. She actually blames her for his death, saying that she lied and he felt so bad that he killed himself. Needless to say, my mom and I have never had a good relationship and probably never will. She won't let me talk to my sister, so I can't even tell her it is not her fault. I feel so bad for her.
I am sorry I just needed to vent, my fiancee' won't be home for a few hours and so I just needed to talk to someone.
Sorry thats awful. I feel sorry for your sister, first of all probably being molested and then being blamed for his suicide. Is she 13 now? or did it happen in the past? Don't feel bad. Either he was unhappy with his life or guilty. Killing yourself is a hard thing to have enough courage to do so he had to be in that frame of mind to begin with. So sorry.
***Edited By: nikkispnce on 11/16/2004 3:50:01 PM*** Reason: typo
oh katz, i can't even imagine what you must be going through. after what's happened in the past though, it would seem normal that you have mixed feelings about what's happened. how old are you? and how old is your sister? i'm sorry theres nothing i can do for you, just know i'm here to talk if you need someone to vent to. i'm actually in school right now, but i'll be on again later tonight. if you have msn you can add me at [email protected] and we can talk then
OMG, I am so sorry you are in this situation. I can certainly see how you would have mixed feelings. I take it your sister still lives with your mom. I'm sorry if I misunderstood this, but did you say your sister is 13 now? One thing you can do is call the school where she goes and speak to the principal and/or counselor so at least she will have someone to tell her it's not her fault. As long as they know you are concerned about your sister they will help you. They may not give you any information but rest assured they will call her in and make sure she is ok. You can even request that they let her know you are thinking of her or any message you want to give.
Last month there was a terrible house fire here in town. A doctor, his wife and thier son died. Their 10 year old daughter was the only survivor. My son who is 12 went to school last with the little boy that died. They are in different schools this year but spent the last 5 years together, and the sister was only one year behind. I emailed my son's principal and told her because the kids at the school that the little boy was going to this year all got counseling but since Deven was in a different school they didn't even know he knew him. They called him in and talked to him to make sure he was ok. They were on it right away and very supportive.
I wish you only the best and please don't blame yourself for something like this. Prayers to you and your family.
I am 21 and my sister is 13 now. Apparently this happened in the last two years. I think the hardest part is not being able to talk to her. My mom took her out of school because of me, she doesn't want me to talk to her at school. I live a block away from the school. I have three sisters still at home. I am not allowed to see or talk to any of them. I have three sisters and a brother who do not live at home and they want nothing to do with me. They are all in the same dysfunctional boat and I think that they do not like me because I am not afraid to tell them what is right and what is wrong, instead of just playing along like everything is okay. My moms boyfriend is abusive, but her image is more important to her then she is and then her kids. She always acts like everything in her life is perfectly normal and fine. Well, I guess I wasn't done ranting. Sorry
Suicide leaves such a mess (not a physical mess, although it does that also). My mom shot herself 3 years ago and I still don't understand. Sometimes I forget that she's gone then when it comes to mind I just feel so sad for her. It's scary also when you're directly related to the person because you can't help but wonder if it will happen to you or your kids. My 15 year old has had suicidal thoughts, I'm on antidepressants because after she died I went into the worst depression ever and I found myself thinking the things I had heard her say.
In your situation I think the equal tragedy is that your mother is blaming your sister, she will never forget that and most likely will blame herself also. She really needs to get help which is so hard for someone in her position but your mother is definitely hurting your sister's future self. They both need help.
If it is your ex step dad and she has a boyfriend now why would she even care or blame your sister? Sounds like your mom just likes to mentally abuse her kids, Unfortuneatly your sister will just have to wait till she's an adult like you did to get out of that hell hole.
My mom cares so much for her self image that getting counseling would make it look like there was problem in her house and she would never let anyone see that. I know very much that she needs help. We even had CPS involved a few times trying to get them out. We were able to get one of my sisters out of the house, she lived with me for 6 months and now she lives with my other sister but unfortunately she has fallen back into the same boat as them. CPS doesn't want to deal with the hassle. They have proven to be a worthless advisary on this part.
That is the truth. I am hoping my sister is strong enough to hang on until she is older and then I will be able to tell her the truth and let her know that it is not her fault. My mom is the best at mind games and mental abuse.
Well, I know you really didn't ask for any advice, and I'm sorry if I'm butting in, but...if your mom and other siblings feel that way, that's their problem. Obviously you know better. Of course I feel horrible for you, but I am really worried about your little sister. Have you thought about calling child protective services or someone to make sure she is ok? That is a really big burden for her to carry. It is for anyone, but then being isolated at home has got to make it worse. I wish I could be of some help. If it makes you feel any better (which I know it won't) I have a friend who is in a similar situation. Her step father didn't kill himself, but he molested her and her sister (there are five sisters all together) and her mom reacted very similar to yours. I don't for the life of me understand how a mother could do that, but it happens. The other four sisters now act like nothing ever happened. I think she is the only sane one in the family. She has pretty much cut all contact with them at this point. Her mom is no longer with that man, but that doesn't mean you can just let it go. Anyway, the point is, you're not alone and just because you are the responsible one and in the minority in your family does not mean you are wrong. Hang in there ok?
Well, while I was writing your novel I see that you already addressed the CPS issue. I am so sorry. I just don't know what else to do.
***Edited By: Gina on 11/16/2004 4:08:45 PM*** Reason: Because I type too slow.
Thank you all, Sometimes it feels like it would be alot easier to just give in but I can't, I look at my girls and I am determined to not let them grow up the way that I did and the way my sisters still are. It is nice to know that I am not crazy and just making things seem worse then they are. You guys really are great.
One more thought. This may be way out of line or something you aren't able to do, but have you ever though of going to court and trying to get custody of your sister? It's the only other thing I could think of. I'm so sorry. I do know how useless CPS can be. When my ex and I got divorced his attorney called them on me because my son got a small sunburn on his shoulder at the beach. They did a full scale investigation. Yet, I have seen kids that are truly abused and they do nothing. I am so sorry. Vent any time you need to.
We did that with one of my younger sisters, she is the one living with my other sister now. We had her with us for 6 months. But, she was already dysfunctional and kept sneaking out of work to see her boyfriend(who she was court ordered not see unless supervised), we did not know any of this until later, anyway, she ended up pregnant and has a STD and my mom went to court and said that we let her boyfriend over and let them sleep together, you get the drift. Well, it was our word against hers and my stupid sister didn't tell the truth, in fact she wouldn't say anything at all. So we are now considered "untrustworthy". Again, all because of my mom. We even told them we didn't care where the girls went as long as it was out of the house but that was where CPS interfered and said that 'a family is best together and they can work through this' Nice, huh?
***Edited By: KatzPomDogz on 11/16/2004 4:20:53 PM*** Reason: forgot something
Oh, yes, suicide leaves such an emotional & mental mess. My dad attempted suicide 4 times over the years, and I found him on the 4th. He had drank a pint or so on antifreeze. He almost died; he would have if I had found him 2 minutes or so later. There is a biiiiiig story in what happened on Sept. 23, 2001 (that day) and now. I've had a rough, rough life. I will type it out when I have the time & strength.
Katz, to say I am sorry seems so inadequate, but I am. I have always felt that suicide is a very selfish act. I don't remember where you live. Washington, maybe? I think in Texas and maybe nation wide CPS is the biggest waste of tax payers money there is. I would call them anyway. In Texas it is against the law not to report child abuse if you know about it. What a joke. You can always call the police and have them do a welfare check. They have to do that. However they do not have to report back to you. It sounds like your mom is in total denial, and that her children have had to and are still suffering as a result of that. The one thing that you can certainly do is what you are doing already, by being a mother than yours was/is, and safe guarding your own children. I am just rambling here. Again, I am sorry that life has been so rough for you and your siblings.
Allie, you have also had some tough years. Life can be that way, More often than we realize. I tend to believe that you have picked yourself up by the boot straps and move on. If that is not the case, that would be my wish for you. I will keep you both in my prayers.
What I meant by selfish is what it does to family members and friends left behind.
***Edited By: cricketmom on 11/18/2004 4:19:23 PM*** Reason: Added something